


DESKMATES.

by ninetysfunk



Category: Multi-Fandom, NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Attempt at Humor, Everyone Is Gay, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Questioning, Slice of Life, Slow To Update, classmates - Freeform, lots of mentioned characters - Freeform, will add tags as story proceeds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-25
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2019-11-05 11:52:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 32,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17918270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninetysfunk/pseuds/ninetysfunk
Summary: After being absent from school for nearly a week, Sicheng returns to find the class has reshuffled, and that's when he finds out he's sitting all the way at the back with school's local heartthrob Nakamoto Yuta.





	1. ONE.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second (2nd) yuwin ff because I love my boys :( enjoy this!

 

_Ring._

_Ring._

_Ri-_

"It's seven," Sicheng said monotonously in a hoarse morning voice into his phone.

"Yeah, but are you coming to school?" The person on the other line spoke.

Sicheng held the phone against his ear for a while, debating if he should really go for school. It was Thursday, if he doesn't go today and tomorrow he'll have a whole weekend and back to school it is on Monday which isn't exactly a bad idea to him, but the amount of homework would be so annoying. But why was he even debating it when he knew his mom would never let him have another day off school, and to think he thought of two days.

"Yeah, unfortunately," He sighed.

The person on the other lined squealed which made the Chinese boy pull his phone away from his ear in pain, "Thank god, I could not stand another day with Jisung and his fucking dolphin of a boyfriend."

"Honestly, Renjun, you're so pessimistic how do you even get by in life?" Sicheng questioned while he buried his face into his pillow.

Renjun laughed, "Bold coming from you."

"It's too early to fight you, I'm leaving bye."

"I'll be there in ten-"

End call.

Sicheng groaned, he absolutely hated that pathetic excuse of a school. Filled with nothing but annoying and loud kids, not that he wasn't loud, but he just didn't have enough energy to tolerate their nonsense at such an early hour. He rolled over and leaned his back against his wall, he looks at the window and sees the sun peeking through his blinds, the sunlight resting on the sheets of his bed. His bed was so cosy, maybe if he stayed in just for- No, he couldn't stay in, he had  _school._

He dragged himself out of the bed and into his shower which he nearly fell asleep in as he stood there with the water pouring all over his body. He walked out of the toilet and dried his feet on the mat, he opens his wardrobe and took out his uniform, he wore his pants and buttoned up his blouse, he wore his sweater and took his bag. Walking down the stairs and to his kitchen where he placed his bag on the couch, he walked to the counter and saw his mom making coffee.

"Hey mom," He said.

"Going to school?" She sipped her coffee.

"You wouldn't exactly give me a choice," The boy shrugged as he placed a piece of bread in the toaster.

She nods and watches her son make his breakfast (which literally was just a slice of toasted bread and jam), "Is that all you're eating?"

"Yes?" He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, he spread some jam onto his bread and took a bite.

He walked out of the kitchen and to the couch where his bag was, he picked it up and swung it over his shoulder, "Bye mom, Renjun's waiting outside."

"You should invite him over," His mother smiled.

"No, he's annoying," He wore his socks and his shoes, "Bye."

He walked out of his house and saw Renjun waiting out there with Yukhei leaning against a car. He walks up to the two and furrowed his brows, "Hey."

"Oh, you weren't kidding you were actually coming?" Renjun's eyes widened, which ended in Sicheng slapping him across the head, "Okay he's hostile this morning."

"Are we going?" Yukhei spoke up, trying to avoid the two from killing each other in this rich neighbourhood.

Sicheng opened the door and climbed into the back seat and plugs in his earphones, but his eyes land on Kim Jungwoo who sat in the front seat with his nose stuffed in a book. Sicheng looks at Renjun confusingly and taps his shoulder.

"Hey what's uhm, Kim Jungwoo, doing here?" He whispered.

"They're dating," Renjun whispered back.

Sicheng's eyes widened,  _they were what?_ No way in hell did Wong Yukhei, score himself someone like Kim Jungwoo, someone as adorable, as smart as him. Sicheng would have never guessed it even after knowing Yukhei for years.

Jungwoo turns around and sees Sicheng, he smiles and Sicheng's heart melted, he might not have a crush on Jungwoo but boy was his smile just the most beautiful thing in this miserable place.

"Hey Sicheng," Jungwoo's soft voice spoke.

Sicheng felt his face heat up at the sound of his name, "H-hey..."

Yukhei came into the car and looked at Sicheng, "Stop hitting on my boyfriend."

Sicheng squinted his eyes at the tall boy, "I might be gay but that doesn't mean I'm hitting on every guy I see."

Everyone looked away in embarrassment and he even saw Yukhei and Jungwoo share anxious glances and heard Renjun whisper a soft 'yikes'

"WHAT?!"

—

Yukhei parked his car and the rest hopped out, Renjun annoying the living daylights out of Sicheng as he tried his best to increase the volume of his music when it was already at the maximum, Jungwoo with his book once again and Yukhei locked his car. He ran up to his boyfriend and interlocked their fingers together, earning an eye roll from Sicheng and Renjun.

"Okay love birds!" Renjun yelled and Yukhei pointed the middle finger at the smaller boy.

Sicheng and Renjun separated from the couple as they wanted "alone time", but we all knew what that was and so will everyone else when they come to class.

"What's for the first period again?" Sicheng asked, unplugging his earphones as he felt that Renjun wasn't as annoying anymore.

"History," The younger replied, "We had homework by the way."

Sicheng looked at Renjun with wide eyes, "Excuse me? And you didn't bother to drop by and tell me?"

Renjun shrugged, "I didn't think you would care."

"Are-are you dumb? Didn't you know that I'm the top student for History? I need to be updated about  _everything_ History related!" Sicheng groaned, "Good fucking god, Mr Lee is going to hate me."

Sicheng continued to whine to Renjun about how irresponsible he was for not telling him about the History homework as they walked up to class, Renjun was in agony, he felt his left ear slowly go deaf as Sicheng whined more and more, he even tried to move further away from him as to not let others know that Sicheng was whining to him.

They reached their class and Renjun looked at Sicheng, "Listen here bitchass, if you don't shut up right now I will shove your head into the bin and make sure it gets stuck there forever."

Sicheng rolled his eyes, "I just can't believe you would do that when you know I'm the top student for History."

"Oh boohoo, suck it up, Cheng."

Renjun opened the door and Sicheng immediately noticed the change in the class, it was decorated and the tables were together rather than in single file.

"Oh yeah, forgot to mention that we reshuffled the class," Renjun said as he sat down on his seat, which was surprisingly in the front row.

Sicheng looked around at the class and saw his classmates talking and crowding around tables, "Alright then."

He sat down next to Renjun only to be stopped by the younger, "What are you doing?"

Sicheng furrowed his brows, "Sitting down of course?"

Renjun shook his head, "We've been allocated seats dumb dumb."

"Okay, then where do I sit?"

"At the back," Renjun pointed at the back.

Sicheng looked at Renjun in disbelief, "Duh, but where?"

"With Yuta!"

"WHAT?"

 


	2. TWO.

Sicheng felt his heart drop,  _Nakamoto Yuta? THE Nakamoto Yuta?_ If there was anything he feared more than failing History it was Yuta. In fact, he hated him, he was just so terrifying. He was always stone cold, and it sent shivers down his spine.

Yuta was pretty popular, he was part of Taeyong's group which was the most popular group in the whole of their school. Everyone wanted to get with them, they were always hanging by themselves and had their own table at the cafeteria. No one dared to mess with them, it's just basic knowledge unless you wanted to get beaten up by Johnny Seo.

Sicheng knew most of them from middle school, such as Doyoung and Jaehyun. Odd combination, but they were inseparable back then, they were the most well known in their middle school but ever since that one thing happened, it hadn't been the same since.

Sicheng looks down at Renjun nervously, "Bro, I'm scared... It's Yuta, I feel like he could kill me if he looked at me..."

Renjun laughed, "No he won't, but he did say he hated you."

Sicheng faked a smile, "Thanks, that's really reassuring."

Renjun smiled back, "Good luck!"

The taller walked to the back of the class where Yuta sat, his head on the table and you could hear his soft snores. Oddly enough, it made Sicheng's heart kind of flutter. He sits down on the empty seat next to the sleeping boy, trying his best to keep as quiet as he could as to not wake him up.

He pulled his chair in and it lets out a semi-loud shriek from the legs of the chair, he scrunches his face up and notices Yuta waking up. The Japanese boy sits up and ruffles his hair, he looks around and looks to his left where Sicheng sat in fear.

"Hi," Yuta monotonously said.

Sicheng turned and smiled softly, "H-hi."

The Japanese sighed and laid his head on the table, but before he could even fall back asleep their teacher enters the class, Yuta lets out a loud groan and stands up and greets their teacher.

Sicheng takes out his notes and flips it to the page their teacher had asked to flip to, he frowns at the number of notes he's missed out on. He lets out a silent sigh, he looks up at the screen and looks at the slides Mr Lee was going through.

Yuta rested his head on his palm, he notices Sicheng's frown and sighs, he knew how much Sicheng liked History and was most likely upset over the number of notes he had missed out on. He looks down at his notes which unlike Sicheng's, were completed.

He nudges the boy and he looks at him in confusion, Yuta simply gives him his notes and Sicheng smiles widely, "Ah thank you Yuta!"

Yuta nods and watches as Sicheng copies down every single detail from highlighted areas, extra notes, so on and so forth. The Japanese boy smiles at how happy Sicheng was, he had never met someone smile so much at  _History_ out of all the subjects. But it made Yuta happy.

Sicheng clicks his pen and passes the notes back to Yuta. The tired boy looks through his notes and back at Sicheng, "Did you make sure to copy everything?"

"Yeah, thanks again..." Sicheng smiled softly.

Yuta shakes his head and looks up at the screen, at the corner of his eyes he noticed Sicheng writing away about god knows what, he looks down and notices the boy was about to finish the notes, Mr Lee hadn't even gone through the second slide but yet here Mr Dong Sicheng was, ahead of the class in a subject based on content.

It intrigued Yuta for some weird reason because you have to either be a sort of time traveller to know all this information or have read the textbook fifty times, which he assumed was the latter.

Yuta found himself staring at Sicheng the entire lesson, even when Sicheng would look at him occasionally in confusion it didn't stop him, what was it about this boy that was pulling him in? And all from a history lesson? Teenage hormones were weird.

—

Sicheng laid his head on his table, he heaves a loud sigh and Renjun appears in front of him with Yukhei and Jungwoo next to him.

"You okay?" Renjun poked his cheek, but the boy didn't budge.

Sicheng blinked for a bit and looked up at Renjun, "Oh! Yeah, I am."

"How was Yuta? Not that bad right?" Renjun smirked and Sicheng shoved his face away.

"He's really nice, he hasn't said much to me but he lent me his notes!" Sicheng smiled as he recalled the memory, "It was the best thing anyone has ever done for me..."

"You're, whipped huh?" Yukhei laughs and Sicheng glares at him.

Renjun frowns, "Am I not the best thing that has ever been done for you?"

Sicheng looks at him in disbelief, "You're the bane of my existence, Huang Renjun."

"You're such a hater," Renjun rolled his eyes and folded his arms, "But are you heading to the cafeteria for break?"

"It's Thursday right?" Sicheng asked, earning a nod from Yukhei and Renjun, "Which means pasta day, so hell yeah I am."

—

The four walked to the cafeteria, Lucas and Jungwoo whispering sweet nothings to each other and Renjun and Sicheng talking about... cat food...

"Yeah but dry food makes them fat," Sicheng replied.

"No, it doesn't! Those canned foods do!" Renjun retaliated.

Sicheng shook his head, "Shut the fuck up, you don't even have cats."

"Yeah but Jeno does!"

Sicheng whipped his head towards Renjun as he mentions the younger's name, "Oh Jeno, how are you two?"

Renjun shrugs, "He's been so far up Jaemin's ass recently, and we broke up a while ago."

Sicheng pouts, "And you didn't tell me?"

"Yeah because there was so point in telling you, you always told me he was never good enough for me," Renjun sighs, "It's whatever, we're fine though, we still text or something. He's trying to get with Jaemin but I don't think homeboy really wants to..."

"You sound jealous," Sicheng laughs which earned him a punch in the arm from Renjun.

"You should've died together with your fever."

"Yeah it's tragic I'm still alive."

They entered the cafeteria, sounds of rowdy students filling up their ears and Sicheng groans in annoyance. They walked to the food stall and queued up for their food.

Sicheng looks around the packed cafeteria, just eyeing students. His eyes land on a table on the corner,  _Taeyong's table._ He just looks at the group, they were always so lively, it was adorable, they were so closely bonded, he even wondered how Yukhei managed to get with Jungwoo. His eyes landed on Doyoung and Jaehyun, he smiles a little at the sight of his old friends. Sicheng would be lying if he said he didn't miss the two, what could he say? They were so close back then and then having that bond be broken kind of hurt him, but did it though?

He shakes his head and pays for his food. He picks up his tray and walks to an empty table. He places his tray down and takes a seat, waiting for Renjun and Yukhei.

He takes a bite out of his food and looks to his right, he feels a pair of eyes eyeing him, he notices none other than Nakamoto Yuta staring at him again.  _What the fuck did he want?_ He simply smiles at the older, but he looks away immediately, Sicheng frowned a little,  _Did he do something wrong?_

Renjun takes a seat opposite Sicheng who was nearly done with his food.

Sicheng looks at him confusingly, "Where's Yukhei?"

Renjun looks to the right, "With Taeyong's group."

The older sighs and just continues eating, he couldn't help but still feel Yuta staring, it was truly starting to bother him to no end. He slams his fork down and scares Renjun at the same time.

"Can you please, tell me why Yuta keeps fucking staring at me? Is there something on my face? Do I still look ill? What the hell is it? I'm really fucking annoyed."

"Okay calm down cowboy," Renjun looks at Yuta who had looked away immediately as the younger turned his head, "He's just weird, don't mind it."

"Well, I am going to fucking mind it if he keeps staring at me at every second."

 


	3. THREE.

The final bell rang and students all sigh in delight knowing that school had finally come to an end. Sicheng shoves his things into his bag and swung it over his shoulder, he pushes in his chair and notices Yuta sleeping. He taps the older's shoulder a little and his eyes open, he looks around for a bit and stares at Sicheng in slight confusion.

"School's over," Sicheng said.

Yuta sat up and nodded his head, he packs his bag and pushes in his chair, he looks at Sicheng who has gone to Renjun's seat and was sitting on the younger's table while talking to his close friend. Sicheng and Yuta were practically strangers despite being in the same class for the past nearly four years, he's watched Sicheng from afar, he's always had a weird sort of admiration for the Chinese boy, he was always so outgoing and had such amazing talents which varied from singing to being weirdly flexible. Yuta has always wanted to try and get to know the boy better, but something refrained him from doing so.

Something Yuta wouldn't lie about was that he had some weird feelings towards the younger, he couldn't place his finger on it, he blamed it on his teenage hormones acting up or the exhaustion of soccer practice getting to him but everyone knew that was not the case.

He had no actual answer to it as the majority of his friends were unhelpful as hell, Taeyong simply shrugged, Johnny said he was gay, Ten who was Johnny's boyfriend said he was gay as well, Doyoung snorted out his chocolate milk, Jaehyun nervously smiled at him, Taeil just stared at him for a while, Jungwoo did the same as Taeil, Mark laughed and Donghyuck said he should google it. 

As he said, unhelpful.

So he lived his days wondering what this weird feeling his heart did whenever Sicheng was around, whenever Sicheng smiled, whenever Sicheng laughed, whenever Sicheng- yeah basically whenever Sicheng did anything, ever. 

He sighed, he knew he would never ever get to know the younger, and it truly disheartened him to no end. He got up and pushed in his chair, he walks past Sicheng and hears him call out his name.

"Bye!" Sicheng waves his hand with his usual toothy grin.

Yuta stops for a second, he freezes in his position and blinks a bit, he feels his heart going at a million and one kilometres per second, it was insane. His mind keeps running wild with emotions, his cheeks hot and all he could think was  _Sicheng smiled at me._

Renjun snaps his fingers in front of Yuta and furrows his eyebrows in confusion, "Uh, Yuta?"

At the sound the younger's voice he snaps out of his daze and looks at Renjun and back at Sicheng, "Oh, yeah. Bye."

He scurries away within seconds in embarrassment, he makes his way down to the soccer field and notices his friends on the bleachers. He makes his way as quickly as possible to them and they notice how frantic he was and shared confused glances.

"Uhm, you good my man?" Johnny asked as he placed a hand on the Japanese's shoulder.

Yuta shoves his head into his palms and lets out a very mixed of emotions sigh, "I don't know."

He hears Donghyuck's high pitched laugh from his back, "Oh god it's because of Sicheng isn't it?"

Yuta glares at him but Donghyuck isn't one bit afraid of it, Donghyuck was never afraid of Yuta or anyone actually, he was often in trouble for arguing with teachers but he was always so nice and it really made no sense to anyone why he was always so mischievous.

"Just admit it, you have a crush on him," Donghyuck continued, "You two would be so cute together, do it. I have your whole wedding planned out."

Jaehyun laughs, "This is coming from the same guy who asked him to google it."

"Yeah but he actually did, and he's gay, we all know it, we aren't that stupid," Donghyuck replied.

"I can't believe you guys are outright attacking me, I thought we were one," Yuta wiped his fake tears, "Is this what betrayal feels like?"

"Oh, shut up," Taeil said.

"I can talk to him for you," Doyoung said out of the blue.

Jaehyun looked at Doyoung anxiously and shook his head furiously, Doyoung catches his signals and eyes widened in realisation.

"What I meant to say is that I can't do that, good luck though!" Doyoung laughed nervously.

Yuta looked at them, eyes squinted in confusion and everyone looking at them in confusion as well.

"Excuse me, what the hell was that?" Mark blurted out, "You two knew Sicheng?"

Jaehyun waved his hand dismissively, "Haha, yeah kind of I guess."

 _I guess._ Jaehyun recalls what happened that day, he couldn't possibly forgive himself for what he did. He beats himself up every day for it, he hated himself ever since. He and Doyoung lost their best friend over something stupid, something stupid they did.

"You guess? Sure doesn't seem like that..." Jungwoo whispered.

Doyoung looked at the boy, "Want to get hit?"

Doyoung looks at Jaehyun who had his head tilted down, he could tell he was remembering what happened that day, guilt wallowing him up again. Doyoung couldn't blame him, they should have known better but they didn't and here they are carrying this guilt every day.

Donghyuck sighed and shrugged, "Whatever you crackheads say I guess."

-

It was another normal day for Sicheng and Renjun, except without Yukhei of course, he had track training that day so he had to stay back in school. 

They walked down the alleyway with shops surrounding them, boba in their hands, talking about school, life, cats as usual, and other random topics that somehow connected to each other.

"So, isn't our class from middle school holding a reunion or some dumb thing like that?" Renjun mentioned.

"Are they? I didn't know, who told you?" Sicheng raised his eyebrows in surprise. He hadn't heard from any of them in years so it would be odd to suddenly have a reunion.

Renjun nodded, "Yeah, Jisung told me during art. It's on the fifth apparently."

"The fifth..." Sicheng repeats this to himself softly, "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Well, I told you so appreciate it," Renjun replied.

"Ah well, I probably won't be going," Sicheng sighed and took a sip of his boba.

Renjun tilted his head to the side, "Why not?"

Sicheng opened his mouth to say something before closing it back and smiled, "Nothing, don't worry about it."

_Nothing, nothing at all._


	4. FOUR.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I love everyone in this chapter, this is purely fiction and the way I portray them does not mean I hate them. Please do not take anything here too seriously, and also trigger warning for rape. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!

Bullshit. It wasn't nothing.

 

Sicheng threw his bag to the corner of his room and laid in his bed, he throws an arm over his face and sighs. Middle school was absolutely terrible, he wished it would have never happened. But thankfully, once he got into High School and stayed hidden, people forgot about him and everything was fine.

 

But did that stop him from remembering everything that happened that day? No.

 

He closes his eyes in hopes that he would just get over it and forget it, but it didn't. Visions started appearing in his head, all from that day.

 

Why was he so stupid?

 

Maybe it was wrong to leave Jaehyun and Doyoung, maybe he should have just pretended nothing happened. But how could he when he became their school's personal punching bag.

 

Tears started welling up in his eyes, god he hated it so much.

 

What happened? Let's start from the beginning.

 

_"Sicheng, come on it will be fun!" Jaehyun whined as he tugged on his best friend's arm._

_"Yeah come on! You never leave your house!" Doyoung joined in, only to annoy Sicheng even more._

_Sicheng groaned, "That's because my mom never lets me leave the house, I'm sorry guys but I can't."_

_"Oh, who cares?" Doyoung folded his arms, "Please, for us!"_

_Sicheng looks at the two who had their hands together looking like puppies, he hated when this happened. He didn't want to know what would happen if his mom were to find out he had sneaked out of the house, but there was only one way to find out._

_Sicheng clicked his tongue and rolled his eyes, "Good god, fine, just stop doing whatever it is you're doing it's gross."_

_Doyoung and Jaehyun high-fived in victory, "We'll meet you at your place later at eight! Ooh, this is going to be so fun, finally Sicheng rebels and goes out," Jaehyun laughs._

_"Who would've thought?" Doyoung nudged the younger and snickered._

_"I'm only doing this because you two will drag this on forever," Sicheng rolled his eyes._

_He was truly afraid of what was about to happen, he had never been to parties, so he was scared, he was never one to be around big groups despite being fairly popular in his school. Everyone knew him and he knew that one wrong step could badly affect him and everyone would know._

 

Sicheng gets up from his bed, eyes watery, he staggers towards his desk and takes the key he hid in a small box, he grabs it and opens up the last drawer, he takes out a notebook with a leather cover, tied with a small ribbon. He flips the book open and turns to that page. He reads it and he can almost feel it all happening, the amount of pain he was in writing this page, dried up tear blotches all over, ink smudged from it, his handwriting is messy, he feels it all happening again.

 

_He steps into the house with Jaehyun and Doyoung, a waft of smoke and alcohol hits his face and loud music droned into his ears. He waves his hand in front of his face to try and get rid of the smell. He coughs a little at the completely disgusting scent of this house. Kids in the corner drinking, vaping, smoking god knows what and some making out._

_Was this how barbarians lived? Sicheng wondered as he continued walking. He was following Jaehyun and Doyoung, they high-fived everyone they knew and Sicheng just smiled politely at everyone._

_The strangers amongst them whispered a little as they saw Sicheng walk through the crowd._

_'Is that Dong Sicheng?'_

_'What's a goody two shoes doing here?'_

_'He's kind of cute'_

_'Wow, never expected someone like him to be here.'_

_He tightens his jacket around him as he heard their whispers, he was very evidently uncomfortable, he tugs onto Jaehyun's sweater._

_The older looks at him and smiles, "You okay?"_

_Sicheng shakes his head slightly, "I'm a bit uncomfortable, I think I need to go home..."_

_Doyoung sighs and grabs a cup from the counter, "Don't be such a downer," He frowns and reaches the cup out towards Sicheng, "Here have this."_

_Sicheng looks down at the red cup, he looks inside the cup and shakes his head, "No, it's fine."_

_Doyoung shoves the cup to Sicheng's chest, "Just drink it," He said with a stern tone._

_Sicheng fearing for his life, he timidly takes the cup in his hands and holds it for a bit. He brings it up to his lips and hesitates for a bit, should he really? But decided to screw it and downed it in one go. His friends cheered him on and his face scrunches us as the liquid burns his throat, he sticks his tongue out in disgust and places the cup down._

_"Yuck."_

_Jaehyun patted his back, "Look at our boy go!"_

_Sicheng smiles a little at his friends, he looks at his empty solo cup, maybe this wasn't so bad._

_But it was._

 

Sicheng reads the page, his heart aching in agony, he grabs his head in frustration. He hated it so much. He should have never listened to Jaehyun and Doyoung, he should have never agreed, he should have never left his house that night, he should have never drunk what was in that cup.

 

Because it fucked him over so so badly.

 

He yells in frustration, he regretted every moment he stayed in that house. And he regretted the aftermath of the situation.

 

_Sicheng giggles and staggers around the house, a cup in his hands, he smiles at everyone as they laughed at him, they took pictures of him in his drunken state and showed it around. He didn't care though, he was too intoxicated to notice his surroundings or his state of mind._

_What the hell was in that cup? Why did he crave for more and more?_

_He sees Doyoung and Jaehyun in the kitchen surrounded by some people as they passed something around, the intoxicated boy walks up to Doyoung and falls into his arms._

_"Doyounggie!" He smiles at him, "What are you doing?"_

_Everyone around them chuckles at Sicheng, Doyoung smiles at his friend, "We're doing something, are you okay?"_

_"Yes! I'm more than okay good god, I've never felt more okay in my life!" Sicheng exclaimed._

_Jaehyun noticed how wasted his friend was and got a little worried, he looks at Doyoung and whispers, "Doyoung, we should bring him home."_

_"No that just defeats the fun, come on, you wanted to do this!" Doyoung whispered back._

_"Still, look at him, he drank too much, he'll actually die if he drinks another cup, and I don't want to be charged for murder!" Jaehyun raised his voice a little._

_Doyoung rolled his eyes and looked around, he spots a familiar face and smiles, "Yoonsik! Come here!"_

_Said boy looks towards Doyoung and smiles, he walks up to Doyoung, "Hey!"_

_Doyoung motions his head towards Sicheng who was wrapped around him, "Help me and send him home, he lives in a large grey house like five blocks away from here, it's all glass and stuff, just help me take care of him."_

_Yoonsik looks down at Sicheng and laughs, "What did you do to him?"_

_Doyoung shrugs, "I think he drank too much or someone accidentally drugged his drink."_

_Yoonsik shakes his head and takes the boy away from Doyoung, "I'll take care of him, don't worry," He looks down at Sicheng who was practically dozing off in his arms, he smirks a little and waves goodbye to Doyoung who returned back to his smoking session._

_Jaehyun looks at Yoonsik anxiously, "Are you sure that was a good idea?"_

_Doyoung waves his hand dismissively, "Of course it is, I've known Yoonsik for a while now, stop being so paranoid, Jung."_

_Jaehyun watches as Yoonsik and Sicheng walks out of sight and sighs, "I hope you're right..."_

 

He feels it all over, he feels dirty. He didn't like it when this happened. He felt like he was being used again and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

 

He cries, even more, it became too real for his liking, but he couldn't stop it.

 

_Yoonsik trails his hands all over Sicheng's body as he squirms in discomfort._

_He places a finger on the younger boy's lips, "Shh, it's fine..."_

_His hand goes down to the younger's pants, he places his hand on Sicheng's ass and feels it, "God that feels nicer than all the other girls I've fucked."_

_He looks at Sicheng who was totally out of his conscious state, all he could do was squirm. Yoonsik smirks at how pathetic he looked, he pulls down Sicheng's pants and groped his butt, Sicheng gasps._

_"Please... I want to go home..." Sicheng whispers._

_"It'll be over soon, don't worry..." Yoonsik pulls down his own pants and his member is stiff, he turns the younger around and places his member against Sicheng's soft cheeks._

_He pulls out a condom and places it around it, "Have to stay safe," He whispers into Sicheng's ear._

_He spread's Sicheng's cheeks apart and inserts it slowly. Sicheng yells in pain but Yoonsik claps his hand over his mouth, Sicheng felt tears forming up in his eyes as he felt the taller slowly start to move, faster and faster._

He couldn't do it anymore, he slams the book shut and throws it back in the drawer, slamming it shut and locking it back. He didn't want to feel it again, he didn't want to even have to remember it.

_Yoonsik threw him onto the floor and threw the used condom onto the ground where Sicheng laid, he left the room and Sicheng there. The younger pulled up his pants and cried, he felt so so wrong. He wanted to rip himself apart, he could still feel it all happening. His whole body was in so much pain, he brings his knees up towards him as he sobbed into it._

_He couldn't stop crying. It was all so bad, he wanted to die at that moment. He didn't understand what was going on between the pain and his drunken mind._

 

 _He slowly gets up, limping a little from the sharp pain in his bottom. He walks out as fast as he could, shoving past everyone, not caring about anything anymore. What was once fast walking turned into_ sprinting. _He wanted to just be home again, he wanted to get away from everything and just stay at home forever._

_He barges into his house, he collapses onto the ground and notices his mother sitting on the couch, she looks at him completely and utterly shocked. She runs towards her son and he cries, she pulls him into an embrace and he rests his head on her shoulder._

_"Ma, it hurts," He whispers._

"It hurts," He cries to himself. 

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone, he unlocks it and types in Renjun's number as fast as he could. He brings the phone up to his ear and waits for him to answer.

 

"Hey!" Renjun's voice answered.

 

"Renjun, I think it's happening again," Sicheng whispered.

 

His friend on the other line went silent, he ends the call and Sicheng places the phone down. He looks down at his desk blankly, he didn't know why this was happening again, he hadn't gone through this in a long time.

 

He stays like this for a while before someone barges into his room, he looks towards his door and saw Renjun standing there, his face full of worry. He walks up to Sicheng and hugs him.

 

"Tell me what's wrong," He whispers to the older, but all he can do is cry into his shoulder.

 

Renjun rubs his back and sways Sicheng a little, "It's okay, cry all you want. It's okay, you're okay."

 

The two spent the rest of the evening watching a bunch of Disney movies to calm Sicheng down, his mother occasionally came in to check on them and Renjun would just show a thumbs up and she would smile and leave silently.

 

Renjun was the only one to care for Sicheng, other than Yukhei. Renjun and Sicheng knew each other since they were kids, and when videos and photos of Sicheng from that night started circulating around the school, he was the first to check in on Sicheng, not even Jaehyun and Doyoung did.

 

From then on, they stuck together, being each other's pillar of support.

 

Renjun always knew how to calm the older down, and Sicheng couldn't have been more grateful to have Renjun in his life, he didn't know what he did to deserve him.

 

It was nearing ten, Renjun's parents didn't really care what time he came home so he could stay the whole night if he liked.

 

He looks down at Sicheng who was snoring softly on his bed, the younger smiles and closes the laptop. He places a blanket over him and walks out of the room quietly, he goes down the stairs and sees Sicheng's mother sitting at the kitchen counter, he head in her palms.

 

"Sicheng's asleep, I'm going to go now," Renjun speaks.

 

Sicheng's mother looked at him and smiles, "Alright, stay safe."

 

Renjun nods and walks towards the door, but before he could leave he heard her call out his name, he turns around and sees her crying a little.

 

"Thank you for taking care of him, he deserves more people like you, I feel like I'm not that good of a mother sometimes. So, thank you for taking care of my boy," she says.

 

Renjun shakes his head, "I'm just his best friend, he needs his mother too. Thank you for your hospitality, Mrs Dong, I'll be leaving now."

 

And with that, he leaves the house. He looks up at Sicheng's room and sighs a little.

 

He just wanted him to be happy.


	5. FIVE.

Sicheng's eyes flutter open, he's in a sort of fetal position, he looks around his room and there is no sign of Renjun anymore. He sighs and stretches a bit. He looks at his digital clock on his desk,  _6:53 am._

He sits up and ruffles his hair, he recalls the events of yesterday and heaved a bigger sigh, he shakes his head and smiles a little hoping to get rid of the bad memories. He picks up his phone from his side table and turns it on, he receives a number of messages from Yukhei and Renjun, the majority of Yukehi's texts were asking if he was okay. He smiles at the messages, if anyone truly knew Yukehi, they would know how much he cared for others over himself, he would give people all his food if it meant they wouldn't have to go the whole day on empty stomach.

He types in a simple reply and sends it, he looks at Renjun's texts which were just him telling Sicheng to tell him if it happens again and that he would be there immediately for him. 

Sicheng often wondered what sort of miracle the gods have bestowed upon him that appeared in the form of two young Chinese boys, he must have cured cancer in his past life or something. He didn't think he really deserved any of this love from his friends if he was being frank, he felt like a burden despite the number of times his friends have told him he wasn't.

He notices the younger was online and texted him.

_sicheng :_

_so are we going together today or-_

_brat : _

_yeah_

_you good tho?_

_it's fine if u don't wanna go to school today, i'll understand_

_sicheng :_

_nah it's fine, i can manage myself_

_brat :_

_why do i get a feeling u're going today for a reason....._

_sicheng :_

_i  b like: about to hit you if you don't shut up and get here within the next twenty minutes_

_brat :_

_ok then mom_

_yukhei's picking us up as usual_

_sicheng :_

_shocking_

_wouldve thought he was gonna shove his tongue down jungwoo's throat_

_brat :_

_girlie u sound jealous_

_but whatever, see ya_

Sicheng turns his phone and chucks it onto his bed. He had no motivation to go to school that day thanks to last night's events, but he just felt the need to go, after all, it was Friday so that means he had Chinese Dance training. He absolutely loved his club, everyone was really nice and he was the best dancer so he had the most benefits. But the cons were that Renjun was there too and he annoyed him to no end with his Moomin drawings in his Moomin notebook.

He pulls himself up and did his usual, shower, make his bed, wears his clothes, packs his dance clothing which was just tights and a body-hugging shirt and leaves his room.

He walks down the stairs and sees his mother in the kitchen, a mug of coffee in her hand as she reads the morning newspaper. He walks up to her and places his bag on the counter, he doesn't say anything but she looks up at him.

"Good morning to you too," She jokingly says as she watches her son put in a slice of bread into the toaster.

He hums in reply as he spread the jam on his bread. His mother frowns at the lack of his response, if she was being honest it worried her and the fact that Sicheng refused to ever talk to her just broke her apart, it made her feel that her job as a mother was failing. But maybe he was just growing up.

"Is it because of last night?" She says.

Sicheng freezes,  _last night._ He shakes his head and smiles, "It's nothing, ma. I'm heading off now, I'll be back late because of dance, see you!"

He puts on his shoes and leaves his mother in the empty and barren house. She wished she could have been closer to Sicheng, ever since that day she had never stopped worrying about him, it made her realise just how much she's been lacking, she needed to regain that trust within him. She just didn't know how, and it broke her heart because she was letting her small boy go, and soon he won't be here and all he'll remember of her is the woman that never cared. When all she ever did was care.

Sicheng waits for Renjun and Yukhei, they were slightly late which he didn't mind, they did live a teeny bit far from where he lived but that didn't bother him. 

He stood outside of his house, earphones in as he looked towards the road, waiting for Yukhei's black 2016 Honda Civic to come into view. But instead of that, he catches a glimpse of none other than Nakamoto Yuta, walking down the sidewalk, effortlessly beautiful as his hair bounced slightly as he walked, his hands in his pocket, his tall figure topping it all off- What was Sicheng doing?

He shakes his head and just continues to stare at Yuta as he walks, he had a good figure thanks to Soccer. He was really pretty, Sicheng truly admired him, not in a weird way though, don't get the wrong idea.

Yuta notices a pair of eyes watching his every move and looks to the right as he saw Sicheng standing there, hands in his hoodie with his earphones in. He didn't question Sicheng staring at him, rather he was baffled that Sicheng lived there. He walked past the large house every morning as he walks to school but it never would have occurred to him that Dong Sicheng lived there.

Sicheng waves at him and Yuta turns a light shade of red, he awkwardly takes his hand out of his pocket and waves back, earning a smile from Sicheng which sends Yuta's heart wild. Was he gay? No way, he wasn't. But why did Sicheng make him feel this way? It bothered him, but it didn't at the same time. He didn't want it to ever stop.

He brings his hand down and looks at Sicheng who has gone back to waiting for Yukhei he assumed, he wondered how such a simple boy could look so beautiful just standing there, his hair barely even styled, his clothing was just their school shirt, their school's maroon sweater and black slacks with a yellow bag, yet that itself made his heart swoon at the sight of the boy. He could be falling for him, but maybe it was his hormones being weird.

He hears a car pull up behind him and he looks back and sees Sicheng entering the car, he notices Jungwoo and Yukhei sitting in the front and what seemed like Renjun in the back. They seemed to be arguing about god knows what and Jungwoo just trying his best to calm Yukhei down. 

 _How peculiar._ Yuta shrugs and continues on walking.

"Fuck you! It's your fault for being late!" Sicheng yelled at Renjun who seemed to have been taken aback by Sicheng's sudden statement.

"Uh no, if anything blame Yukhei who has been so far up Jungwoo's ass recently- No hate to you Jungwoo we all love you, but Yukhei here can't even manage his time properly because he just  _had_ to do it this morning," Renjun whipped his head and glared at Yukhei.

Yukhei shooked his head and blinked, "Excuse me? Don't ever blame Jungwoo for anything, if anything it was your fault for falling asleep while eating breakfast and came out fifteen minutes later, if we wanted to we would have left you but we chose not to because we are nice-"

Jungwoo cuts Yukhei off by softly coughing and stops the group as they avert their attention to him, "Actually, you wanted to leave but Renjun already came out-"

"Shut up!" The three of them said in unison.

"Oookay..." Jungwoo sunk into his seat as the three continued to argue.

"You know what we're all to blame here, Yukhei was too busy thinking with his dick at seven in the morning, I fell asleep while eating my cereal and Sicheng... Honestly, didn't do anything wrong," Renjun said.

"I am an angel after all," He grinned cheekily and Renjun gagged. Sicheng glared at him, "Rude."

"Okay, can we go?" Renjun rolled his eyes and whined.

"We could've left ten minutes ago but you decided to argue with me," Yukhei turned back to the steering wheel.

"I hope you took that back the minute it came out of your mouth dumbass," Renjun threatened.

Jungwoo buried his face in his palms and sighed, "Why am I always in these situations..."


	6. SIX.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wanted to update early because i'm nice uwu

Sicheng rested his cheek against his palm as he stared at the whiteboard. It was Geography and gosh was it boring him to death, he looks at Yuta who was more attentive than usual. He looks at him confusingly and poked the Japanese boy who immediately averted his attention to him.

"Do you like Geography or something?" Sicheng asked, trying to strike up a conversation to at least have some sort of entertainment in satan's class.

"Yeah, I want to do something related to Geography in the future," Yuta replied, "What about you?"

Sicheng moved his head back slightly when Yuta asked his question, slightly taken aback by his actions.  _Him? Curious about what_ ** _I_** _wanted to do?_ He laughs a little and shrugs, "Maybe performing arts, I've never really liked academics, never was for me."

Yuta chuckles, "That's odd, I would've expected you to like academics better."

Sicheng shakes his head, "No! Gosh, if I could, I would transfer to an arts high school."

"Arts huh? What exactly would you do?" Yuta raised a brow and rested his chin on his palm while looking at Sicheng.

If no one knew any better, they would have thought the two were dating. They looked as though they were admiring each other... In Geography.

Sicheng clicked his tongue lightly as he thought of what he wanted to do, he loved to dance and traditional Chinese dance was his speciality, but he had a passion for acting as well, he always thought of musical theatre but that would be three aspects of performance and arts.

"Maybe dance or theatre," Sicheng shrugged, "After high school, I plan on trying out for a college that specialises in Chinese Dance."

Yuta widened his eyes, "Oh my god no way... You're that dancer?"

Sicheng furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side in confusion, "What?"

"That really good dancer the whole school talks about, the one in our Chinese Dance team, a guy allegedly, you're him right?" Yuta perked up in excitement.

"Is that was really people say about me?" Sicheng folded his arms and laughed, "Didn't know I was quite famous..."

Yuta chuckled a little, he kept thinking about Sicheng's last sentence and remembered how weirdly Doyoung and Jaehyun were before their Choir practice, he looks at Sicheng and frowns, "Hey."

The younger looked back at him and hummed in acknowledgement.

"Do you know Doyoung and Jaehyun?" Yuta asked.

Sicheng froze, those two names unlocked a door he had kept closed for too long, the memories all flowing out and filling his mind with memories of that night again. It was so bad. All he ever remembered when he heard the two names was that night, of course, he remembered the other good memories but the one that always came to mind first was that memory. He could have never seen them again, after what happened. No doubt he missed the two but his pain and mental health came before anything, and he was still recovering and it feels as though he will never get better, mainly because he feels a hole in his heart just won't get filled and he didn't know what it was.

Sicheng smiles a little at Yuta and nods his head, "Used to."

-

Sicheng sat in the cafeteria opposite Renjun who was too busy to notice his friend spacing away.

The older boy held a carton of chocolate in his milk as he thought about his previous conversation with Yuta.  _Why did he ask about Jaehyun and Doyoung?_ He found it weird since no one would associate the two with him at all, even if they knew them in middle school. They had changed so much and drifted so much it was almost hard to imagine the three together again.

But it was so simple for Sicheng.

Call him your stereotypical teenager but he did miss them so much. He missed their inside jokes, he missed skipping classes with them and he just missed all the memories, all the happiness and simplicity of life. He missed them so much. They were the most real friends he had ever had next to Renjun and Yukhei. 

He felt tears forming up in the corners of his eyes, he had just wished he never took that cup and everything would have been okay. He didn't want to remember them and think about that night, again and again, it haunted him every day. 

He heaves a deep sigh to push back the pain and took another sip from his milk, he looks towards Taeyong's table and saw them all laughing and making jokes as usual.

He missed being happy with a big group of friends, but all he had was Renjun now, and Yukhei too but he was too busy with Jungwoo and he didn't mind, but he was afraid of losing him as well.

He stares for a bit while reminiscing over memories of the past and smiles. He notices Doyoung turning his head and caught Sicheng staring. Sicheng looked away immediately and went back to sipping his milk.

He could see Doyoung lean towards Jaehyun and whisper something to him, Sicheng decided he was probably bothering them just by breathing and left.

What he missed was that Jaehyun's smile faded and his face filled up with sadness as soon as he saw Sicheng leave. His heart was shattering but all he could do was watch his old best friend leave, just like how he had left his life. But he couldn't blame him for doing so, he was stupid enough to put the safety of his best friend in a stranger's hands. He could never begin to forgive himself.

He could not let it end that way, he wanted to do something but what could he do to possibly make up for what he did?

-

School ended and Sicheng sighed in relief. Thank god for Fridays and the weekends.

He packs up his things and says bye to Yuta who sort of freezes for a while before replying.

He walks to Renjun's table and saw the younger still texting someone on his phone and it was annoying Sicheng to no end, so he decided to clear the air and asked him who he was texting.

"So, are they so important?" Sicheng sat on the table next to Renjun's as said boy continues to type away on his phone.

"Yeah uh huh," Renjun replied, eyes still glued to the screen.

Sicheng has had enough, he snatches the phone away from Renjun, "Okay enough, you've been on your phone the whole day what the hell?"

Renjun tried to get his phone back but thanks to Sicheng's fast reflexes he managed to pull Renjun's phone away from him, "You're not getting this shit back before you tell me what's going on!"

"Ugh, it's nothing! Give it back, Sicheng!" Renjun tiptoed as Sicheng brought the phone higher and higher with his long arms.

"No, who is this?" Sicheng turned the phone over and saw the texts, "ML? Who the fuck is ML?"

"No one!" Renjun yelled.

Sicheng squinted his eyes to see the phone screen again, "Why is my name here?"

Renjun gave up and slumped into his seat with folded arms, "Fine it's Mark, Mark Lee. He was talking to me about Doyoung and Jaehyun."

Sicheng opened up his mouth to an O and placed the younger's phone down, "Sorry..." He sat down next to the younger and frowned, "Why though?"

"Because he said that Doyoung has been a little odd lately and Jaehyun too, he was thinking it was because of you because they had brought you up before their soccer practice and they were weird about it," Renjun snatched his phone from the table, "Don't worry, I didn't tell him anything about that night."

"You better not."


	7. SEVEN.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep wanting to update hhh but hey it's an advantage for my readers so :D

Dance practice was the same as usual, stretching, flexibility exercises, training for performances and competitions. The usual.

Sicheng slipped off his dance shoes and placed them in his bag, he wore his normal shoes and carried his bag, still in his dance attire. He stands up and waits for Renjun who always took twenty minutes to simply pack up his things.

He took out his phone and looked through his notifications till he came across something peculiar, an unknown number had texted him. Confused, Sicheng slides the message open but not before putting in his password.

_ unknown _   
_hey is this sicheng?????_

_ sicheng _   
_yes? who r u_

_ unknown _   
_oh it's yuta_

"What the fuck," Sicheng said out loud, causing everyone around him to whip their heads in his direction, "Oh sorry."

Renjun got up and carried his bag and walked towards Sicheng, "What's going on?"

"Yuta just texted me," Sicheng whispered, "How the hell did he get my number?" 

Renjun shrugged, "His friends maybe."

"But I deleted Jaehyun and Doyoung's numbers a while ago and none of them knows me," Sicheng frowned.

"You have uh, Biology with that Johnny dude right?"  Renjun said.

Sicheng stared blankly at his phone and blinked a bit,  _But did he have my number?_ But shrugged and walked out of the dance studio with Renjun.

Yukhei had gone home earlier so the two had resorted to walking, but Renjun had to take a bus because he lived further away. 

Sicheng walked the younger to the bus stop and bid their goodbyes to each other. The older walked in the opposite direction and plugged in his earphones, he played his music and walked down the street, taking in the cold winter air, the sun had started setting and it painted the streets gold. The streets were pretty empty, his neighbourhood had many residents but not many came out of their houses, he was fairly wealthy, his family moved to Korea around ten years ago, he was hesitant on leaving his home country at such a young age and moving to a country he knew nearly nothing about, but he met Renjun in elementary school and felt that he had a piece of home still with him.

He takes in the view of the leafless trees and the beautiful sunset sky, he smiles a little, he hadn't truly taken in the world around him and was always cooped up in his room. Maybe he should go out more-

"Watch where you're going!" Sicheng yelled.

The person turned around and looked at him, "Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?"

"You, dumbass, you don't even bother to say sorry," Sicheng got up and brushed the dirt off his pants.

The person walks up to him and their face is more visible, Sicheng's eyes widen and he takes a step back, "Get away from me."

It was Jaehyun, his face softened as he saw his friend, or used to be, friend step back, "Wait, Sicheng-"

Sicheng shoved past him and walked as fast as he could, away from him, he was scared that if he were to stay any longer he would be haunted by the dark thoughts he had shoved away for so long. He can hear Jaehyun trying to catch up to him but he quickens his pace.

"Sicheng please, wait!" Jaehyun called out for him.

"Go away, Jaehyun! Please go away!" Sicheng yelled as he practically ran away from the older.

Sicheng saw his house come into few and he runs faster but before he could even turn, he feels Jaehyun's hands wrap around his wrists to make him stop. A shiver went down Sicheng's spine as he felt his hand against his skin.

"Please hear me out, just this once. You can forget me and shove me away, but give me a chance to speak," Jaehyun begged as he panted.

Sicheng tried to wiggle his hand out of Jaehyun's grasp but he was far too strong and he gave up, "I-I can't Jaehyun, please let me go. I'm sorry."

Sicheng could see Jaehyun's face falling, he could see the guilt filling him up- as he lets go of Sicheng.

It shattered Jaehyun, to know that he fucked up so bad to the point that Sicheng didn't even want to see him or talk to him. He messed up that bad, he wanted to do everything in his power to get him back but nothing could be done. He stands there and watches Sicheng walk away, again.

-

Sicheng leans his back against the door, he sighs as he recalls what happened five minutes ago. He throws his bag to the corner of his room and lays on his bed, staring at the ceiling above him and closes his eyes a little.

That was the most interaction he's had with the two in nearly four years, he could take it. Somehow he felt guilty as well.

Guilty for leaving them like that, guilty for not letting them explain themselves, guilt for not letting them apologise. Guilty for everything. 

He said this before and he'll say it for the millionth time, he felt a slight regret for everything. He knew what happened could happen to anyone, neither of the two knew and Sicheng surely didn't either. But he regrets going to that party if he hadn't gone he would have never lost his two best friends. It was such a typical teenager thing to miss the friends you left, to feel guilty, so on and so forth. But he had a connection with them he could never have with anyone else, besides Renjun the two of them were the only ones who truly accepted him when he moved to Korea. They taught him Korean, took care of him and taught him how to be happy.

He smiles as he recalls all the memories of them in elementary school, ruling the playground as though they were kings, staying out half an hour past curfew, sneaking into R rated movies, typical kid stuff, harmless and fun. He wished things were like that again. But he could only dream.

He sits up and takes the key to open the last drawer, he pulls it open and takes out a box. He places it on his desk and sits down on his chair, he holds the box and frowns a little. He hesitates opening it, his hand hovering over the top.

But he opens it anyway.

He smiles as he looks at the polaroids of the three of them, letters they gave each other and movie tickets from the movies they watched together. He takes out some polaroids and looks through them, he can feel the memories playing in his head as he looks at the different pictures.

He stops at a certain picture, the one of him, Jaehyun and Doyoung on Sicheng's fourteenth birthday. They were huddled together as Doyoung lifted the camera up above them, he did his typical v sign pose, Jaehyun smiling his teeth and his eyes barely visible and Sicheng just had a soft smile on.

They had a sleepover that night, stayed up watching Disney movies and laughed at Jaehyun for crying in which he would tell them to shut up.

He hadn't been so happy, he was happy for once in a long time. Surrounded by his friends, well just two of them, not caring about the world and just being happy. He wished things were the same as before.

But like always, all he could do was dream.


	8. EIGHT.

Yuta hadn't come to school for three days and truth be told, Sicheng was starting to worry.

It was weird, Sicheng never cared about anyone in that class. He thought of texting him but thought it would be odd as he left him on read when he last sent his text. But why was he so nervous. It was so stupid.

He shakes his leg a little as he looks at Yuta's table, he feels so empty. But it's not like the two talked much, but weirdly, it felt so wrong without the Japanese there. He was boring no doubt, always had a stone cold face on, but those were all the things Sicheng loved about sitting next to Yuta.

Wait what was he even saying?

He sighs and looks down at his Chemistry notes, his teacher never really cared what the students did, he was even sleeping. He was truly such a bad teacher, he made students just read their notes while he slept at the teacher's desk. Why he hasn't been fired is a mystery to all the students.

Sicheng takes out his phone and taps on messages, he presses Yuta's contact and pulls up the keyboard. He hesitates to text him for a second but does it anyway, he felt that if he were to just sit in that class doing anything he would just die, plus Renjun was too busy talking with his tablemate Chenle.

**_ sicheng _ **

**_hey_ **

The Chinese boy waits for a while, staring at his screen until he sees a message pop up.

**_ yuta _ **

**_ah so he finally replies_ **

**_ sicheng _ **

**_shut up at least i did_ **

**_how did you even get my number?_ **

**_ yuta _ **

**_that's a story for another time_ **

**_anyway what do you want_ **

**_ sicheng _ **

**_kinda bored so i'm turning to you_ **

**_where the fuck have you been anyway?_ **

**_ yuta _ **

**_away from you_ **

**_ sicheng _ **

**_how rude_ **

**_ yuta _ **

**_i wasn't exactly aiming for nice_ **

**_but i've come down with a cold, thanks to you I have to miss freshman tryouts_ **

**_ sicheng _ **

**_oh we gonna blame me ???????_ **

**_ yuta _ **

**_yes_ **

Sicheng stared at his phone a little. Yuta came down with a cold, he was sick, should he do something about it? He felt compelled to, weirdly but shrugged.

The bell sounded, signalling break. He turned off his phone and shoved it in his pocket.

He lays his head on his table, he watches as Renjun walks out of the class with Chenle, not even looking back at him and Yukhei just leaving with Jungwoo and his new friends.

Sicheng sounded too bitter for his own liking, he didn't want to lose these people, but he felt that it was happening. Yukhei leaving Renjun and him for Jungwoo, Renjun now hanging out with Chenle and the other kids, the younger ones. Of course, he wouldn't expect Renjun to stay with him forever, of course, he allowed him to see his other friends but that made him feel a little insecure, as though they're leaving him because he wasn't good enough.

But he didn't want them to leave, at all.

After Jaehyun and Doyoung he just couldn't risk having others leave his life. He was too afraid of being alone again, he wouldn't know how to hold himself up.

But gosh he should stop overanalysing everything.

He opens his bag up and takes out the bread he had bought in the morning and started eating it, looking around at his empty classroom as everyone was down at the cafeteria. He pulls out his phone and scrolls through his Instagram, browsing through his timeline and stalking art accounts as usual.

"Hey is Chanyeol here?"

Sicheng looked up from his phone and stared at the boy who stood at the door.

Kim Doyoung.

He just had the worst luck, didn't he?

He stared at the boy who simply stood there, realising who he was talking to. His mouth was slightly parted and eyes wide open.

Sicheng coughed a little to clear the tension, "No, he left with Baekhyun."

Doyoung nodded and continued standing there, looking everywhere ** _but_** Sicheng. The Chinese boy sat there staring at him being a fool in confusion.

"Is there anything you need?" Sicheng questioned, taking another bite of his bread.

"Oh uhm, n-no..." Doyoung stuttered, "How have you been?"

Sicheng shrugged and looked back at his phone, "Been okay."

The bunny-like boy nodded, thinking of more ways to strike up a conversation. He slowly walked up to Sicheng as cautiously as possible, as though he were a prey trying to get past his predator. He sits on Yuta's table and Sicheng looks up at him.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Sicheng asked.

"Just uhm, looking," Doyoung smiled.

"Okay, but can you look outside of the class, I want to be alone."

Doyoung sighed, this burden was too hard to carry and he felt the more he were to make small talk the more awkward the atmosphere would get and he would die over how awkward things were.

"Sicheng..."

Said boy shudders as he hears his name roll off Doyoung's tongue, as though things were like middle school all over again.

"I don't know what happened between us-"

"Yes you did Doyoung, don't give me that bullshit," Sicheng stood up, shocking the other.

"I didn't know..." Doyoung played with his thumbs.

Sicheng scoffed, "Yeah but you didn't bother to apologise, you just let it be and forgot about it over time, yeah cause that's what good friends do."

"What makes you think I forgot it? What makes you think Jaehyun forgot it? Do you know just how guilty and broken he feels because of this?" Doyoung spoke up, "Do you know that he cries every night and calls me, telling me how shit he feels all the time because he feels that he's let the person he cared about the most down. He has never let it go, so don't ever say we forgot about it."

The Chinese steps back a bit, his sudden surge of anger died down. They didn't forget after all. He assumed they did, seeing how they were, showing everyone they were okay, but he knew them better than that, he knew that behind all that shit Jaehyun and Doyoung were hiding something and that something was the guilt they allowed build up inside them.

Sicheng felt tears form up in his eyes, "I... I have to go."

He runs out of the class while Doyoung screamed out for him but he ignored it just like he ignored Jaehyun's. He runs to the toilet and enters the last cubicle, he slides down onto the floor with his legs against his chest and buries his face into knees, he sobs silently to himself.

He felt like absolute shit for being this way, he felt so incredibly guilty, he felt it eating him away as he cried more and more.

He was the monster in the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll probably end up updating twice a week, friday and thursday ;) also support my luwoo au on my twitter @maskedhe4rts


	9. NINE.

Sicheng found himself leaving school alone, Renjun was once again with Chenle, damn were they a thing now? One can only imagine.

The Chinese boy decides to go home early, he walks down the streets while he scrolled through his Twitter, teenager stuff. He doesn't bother to look around him for he didn't really care.

But then he had to be an idiot and bump into someone, he just prayed it wasn't anyone he didn't want to see.

"Sicheng?"

Said boy looks up and sees, Yuta, standing there with a grey hoodie on and sweats, a bag in his hands. Sicheng looks at him in confusion.

"What are you doing here?" Sicheng got up and brushed the dirt off his knees.

Yuta looked down at his plastic bag and brought it up, "Medicine."

"Ah."

The two stood there awkwardly, looking everywhere but each other. Good god, Sicheng just couldn't get any more awkward and so could this day.

"So, uh, you feeling any better?" Sicheng speaks up to break the awkward silence between them.

Yuta shakes his head and sighs, "Well, I still have this goddamn fever that's making my head throb like hell and I can breathe out of my left nostril. So, no, I'm not feeling any better?"

Sicheng tilts his head down in guilt, he made the poor boy sick, "I'm so sorry, let me make it up to you?"

The older scoffs, "How exactly can you?"

"Uhm..." The Chinese tapped his chin as he thought of something, "Ah! My mom makes this soup for me when I'm sick and it kind of helps, especially for headaches, I could make it for you now?"

"Soup? What year do we live in? 538 BCE?" Yuta laughs, which earns him a light slap on the arm from Sicheng.

"Don't be mean! It really helps, I'll show you! Bring me to your house, I can make it!"

 _House?_ Was all Yuta could think of right now.  _Bring him? To HIS house?_ After seeing Sicheng's ginormous house he could never ever allow him to step foot into his small apartment, he was too embarrassed.

"N-no... I, uhm, well you see-"

Sicheng groans and grabs Yuta's wrist, "Stop stuttering you fool, just bring me to your house so you can get better and I won't have to sit in Physics listening to Mr Gou talk about how his wife left him rather than teach us something that can help us pass our finals."

Yuta freezes for a second, Sicheng's hands were holding his wrist. It was so dumb how just even by the slightest contact, sent Yuta's heart racing like mad and his mind going crazy with emotions. But what the hell was he doing? He can't be gay, he just can't!

But he realises he has no choice  _but_ to let Sicheng come over and cook this dumb soup of his.

He sighs and walks in the direction of his house while Sicheng stands there, a little dumbfounded.

"Are you coming?" Yuta turned back.

Sicheng snapped out of his daze and smiled, "Of course, stupid."

-

Yuta unlocks the door to his small studio apartment, he places his shoes at the door and Sicheng follows suit. The Chinese boy looks around the apartment, it was fairly tidy with very little things laying around, the interior was simple, the walls were painted a shade of grey, which was adorned with Yuta's many medals and his trophies which laid on tables. The walls contrasted well with the white and black furniture in his house. It reminded Sicheng of is house slightly.

He noticed something though, there was only one bedroom and the apartment looked too small to fit a family. So was Yuta living alone? Sicheng thought about it for a bit as he made himself feel at home. He decides to not press on the subject at the moment and watches Yuta empty out the bag and places the medicine in the cupboard above him. He sighs and places his hands on the counter and looks over at Sicheng.

"So, the soup?"

Sicheng opens his mouth as he realises what he came for, he gets up and walks to the kitchen, he looks around and opens up a cupboard which stored one pot and one pan, he looks confusingly at the Japanese, "Is this really all you have?"

Yuta laughs nervously and nods, "Yeah... I don't really cook, mainly because I can't and whenever I do it's nothing grand, just eggs and some bacon."

Sicheng understandingly nods and places the pot in the sink where he fills it with water, he looks around the kitchen and at Yuta once again, "Do you have any vegetables at all? Salt? Pepper? Anything?"

Yuta taps his chin, looking around the small kitchen, despite its size he had a hard time identifying where things were because as he said, he never used the kitchen. He then remembers and points at the fridge. Sicheng makes his way towards the fridge, taking out whatever he had in that pathetic excuse of a fridge.

He sighs and places the absolute bare minimum onto the counter, two potatoes that were about to go bad, one carrot that was still fresh, a small container of salt, another small container except with pepper and broccoli.

"Is this  _really,_ all you have?" Sicheng looked at him in disbelief and he nodded a little in embarrassment.

Sicheng sighed once again and rolled up his sleeves, he grabs two the potatoes and starts to rinse them, he looks for a peeler and finds it in a drawer next to the sink. He focuses his attention on peeling it as safely as possible, his tongue stuck out ever so slightly at the side as Yuta stared at him.

This was weird coming from someone who never fell in love easily or ever really thought about the idea of love for it scared him a little, but he felt something in him be so attracted to Sicheng, his soft brown hair that fell slightly over his eyebrows almost touching his eyelashes, his pursed lips when he was so concentrated and the way his nose twitched a little. It was these small little things about Sicheng that made Yuta's heart flutter.

Yuta had refused to believe he had any form of feelings towards Sicheng other than acquaintances, but why did he so badly wanting to get to know the boy, this boy that was so hard to reach no matter how hard he tried, he was just further than he had expected. It aggravated Yuta to no end.

These stares didn't go unnoticed to Sicheng, he would side eye the Japanese at times but kept all his attention on his cooking as to not overheat it. He sighs and turns off the fire, he looks over at Yuta who had looked away almost immediately as Sicheng moved his head. He sits there, rubbing his nape as unsuspiciously as possible, but was Sicheng a fool? No.

"Something you need to say?" Sicheng says.

Yuta looks up at him and smiles, "Haha, what are you talking about?"

"Stupid," Sicheng muttered under his breath and placed the ladle in the sink and takes a spoon out of the drawer, he dips the utensil into the soup and blew on it a little, he puts his hand below the spoon and walks over to Yuta, "Ahh."

"Excuse me?" Yuta furrowed his eyebrows.

"Open up dumbass," Sicheng said.

Yuta shrugs and opens up his mouth, Sicheng lets him sip on the soup and the Japanese had felt something wake in him.  _Home._  He savours the taste in his mouth and is reminded of home back in Osaka, the soup tasted awfully similar to his mothers and it made his heart wrench a little.

He missed home, he missed his old friends, his family, everything. But it had been a while since he went home, he almost forgot how things worked back there. Korea was great, but nothing could ever compare to his home.

He feels a sense of comfort as the taste lingers around his mouth and he smiles a little to himself, "Reminds me of my mom."

"Does it?" Sicheng said shockingly.

"Yeah, she would make a soup that tasted exactly like this when I was younger, it holds a lot of nostalgia..." Yuta says with a slight hint of sadness in his voice.

"Do you miss home?" Sicheng asks as he pours the soup into two bowls.

Yuta laughs, "Yeah, I do. But oh well."

"Oh well?" Sicheng frowned and placed the bowls on the counter top, "What do you mean?"

Yuta shrugs and picks up the spoon next to him, "I moved here because I applied for a scholarship here in Korea under Soccer and thankfully I got in. I had no idea what to do when I arrived, I was alone and had nothing and no one, well except the apartment my family had bought for me to ensure I had shelter and some money my parents gave me, but they still send me money so... But then I met Johnny and Taeyong, they live on different floors, they made me feel at home here and turns out they went to the same school so it was just a bonus-"

Yuta sighs and laughs, "I didn't know anything, I couldn't understand Korean at all. I could only converse in Japanese, but Taeyong knew a bit of Japanese so he helped me out a bit, Johnny helped me to settle in as he too was a foreigner. Another foreign student, Hirai Momo, she came to Korea at a young age and she helped me to learn the language, honestly, I have her to thank the most," He looks up at Sicheng who simply smiles at him, "What about you? How was moving here like?"

Sicheng shrugs and sips on his soup, "Well, I don't like saying this but, I'm pretty wealthy, my mom is the CEO of a well-known software company in China, my dad doesn't live with us because he left my mom while she was pregnant with me, he was a horrible person though my relatives didn't even bother to deny it. I grew up most of my life not having to worry much but I didn't brag about it, my mom taught me and my sisters to work hard even though we had everything. We moved here because she was expanding the business, so she moved to Korea and she's doing great. Settling down was fine because she made me and my sisters learn Korean three years before moving. I had lots of friends once I enrolled in a school my mom found suitable for me, I had two friends whom I was closest too out of the bunch, and... Things were nice, everything was fine."

Yuta tilts his head and looks at Sicheng who plays around with his spoon a little, his face showing a bit of hurt, he frowns and nudges Sicheng, "You okay?"

Sicheng looks at him and smiles, "Yeah, I am," He looks down and sighs, "Just a bit sore from training the other day."

"Do you want to leave? It's fine you know..." 

Sicheng shakes his head and laughs, "Please, I came here on my own accord, I feel bad for making you miss school. Plus, I need you to come back because class is so boring  with no one to talk to."

"You don't even talk to me though," Yuta looks at him confusingly.

"Shut up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more of a filler chapter and a peek into yuta's background, anyway i hope you all have agreat day MWUAH


	10. TEN.

Sicheng never enjoyed Thursdays, he found them a waste of time and excuse to extend the week so Friday is further away. Renjun said he was stupid for believing such a thing but did that bother him? Not really.

However, this Thursday turned out to be enjoyable- No, tolerable. He lays in his bed at two in the morning, reminiscing over the events that happened just six hours ago. He never really could connect with someone without getting to know them well but something about Yuta made him give that belief a big middle finger. Yuta was probably the most complex person alive, Sicheng never liked complex people or complex things, but, instead of that driving him away from wanting to even get to know the older, it made him want to get to know him as though he was a magnet and Sicheng was a piece of metal.

Attraction in general scared Sicheng. Yes, he was a hopeless romantic and yes, he never really dated many people but still, because of †hat he found fear in being intimately attracted to anyone. He crushed over people over the course of the years he had been in High School and of course, middle school when he had begun to discover his sexuality and came to the conclusion that he was bisexual.

But other than romantic attractions scaring him, being attracted to Nakamoto Yuta? The straightest man known to mankind? Maybe he was out of his mind- No, maybe was out of the question for he was out of his mind.

He tosses and turns in his bed and groans, "What the hell am I doing?"

He lays flat on his stomach, head buried into his pillows and sighs, he blindly reaches out for his phone and grabs his off the side table. He switches it on, the bright light nearly blinding him which he then proceeded to lower the brightness.

He opens up his messages and clicks on Renjun's contact,  _Would he be awake at this hour?_ The Chinese wondered,  _Would anyone even be awake at this hour?_ But this was Renjun we were talking about.

_ sicheng _

_you awake?_

_ brat _

_yeah been up texting my gc what's up?_

_ sicheng _

_gc????????_

_ brat _

_yeah, jeno and i got shit sorted out, he's still tryna get with jaemin tho, chenle and i got close while you were gone so naturally i got close to jisung as well and donghyuck and mark are close friends with all of them._

_ sicheng _

_damn chief you have friends thought i was the only one fr_

_ brat _

_u thought wrong sis_

Something about this made Sicheng uneasy.

He was all for his friends being friends with others, just because he couldn't doesn't mean others can't. He was pretty chill with the idea of Renjun gaining new friends, in fact, he was ecstatic. But would that mean Renjun would leave him? He couldn't think about it bear it, after all, Renjun was his driving force and the only reason why he continued to live.

He didn't think about it much and placed his phone back on his side table, he pulls up the covers till it covers his shoulders and closed his eyes.

-

"Sicheng!" A voice yelled, "Wake up! It's already eight!"

The boy groans and turns to the other side, not really giving any care to who was calling him and for what reason.

The voice groaned and pulled the covers off him, "It's eight! School is starting! Wake up!"

Sicheng gives up and sits up, "What are you talking about-" He looks at the clock on his desk and jumps off his bed, "Oh my god school's starting!"

He runs past his mother and slams the toilet door behind him, he undresses as fast as he could and takes a quick shower. He dries himself off and rushes out, putting on his uniform and due to the rush it was absolutely unkempt, his blouse not even tucked in, his socks two different colours which he knew he was going to get a disciplinary form for but he couldn't care less. A mess basically.

He grabs his bag and his phone, he runs down the stairs and runs to the kitchen where his mother stood with his coffee and a piece of toast, "Here, hurry up!"

She gives him his coffee which he downs in a matter of a few seconds and shoves the toast in his mouth, "Thanks, mom!" He incoherently says and runs to the door where he just simply slips his feet into his shoes, not caring that the back wasn't tucked properly and runs out of the door.

His mother stands at the door and watches as Sicheng runs while he held his bag, she sighs and closes the door behind her.

She sits down in front of the counter and sips her coffee which she made while Sicheng was getting ready. She opens up her laptop and hears her daughter, Xifeng walk down the stairs, hair in a mess and her phone in her hand.

"What was with all the damn noise?" She sleepy says and yawns.

Her mother sighs and types away on her laptop, "Sicheng was late for school..."

She clicks her tongue and walks back up the stairs, "That kid."

-

Sicheng ran up to the school gate that was closed which meant school had started, he turns on his phone to check the time and it was fifteen minutes past eight, he groans and walks up to the security post.

"Name?" The guard asks.

"Dong Sicheng, class two, senior," He says with his head down in guilt.

The guard shakes his head, "Dong Sicheng, clear record for the past four years and here you are... You're usually with your friends, what happened?"

The boy shrugs and takes the paper from the guard, "I'm wondering myself."

He walks into the school, no longer bothering to run because he was late either way. He walks into the school and makes his way to his class, the first period was Chemistry anyway he didn't bother, being the top student he was he knew everything. He walks down the empty hallway and steps in front of his class, hand on the knob and sighs.

He opens it up and everyone adverts their attention to the dishevelled boy, his teacher looks at him confusingly, "Dong Sicheng? Why are you late?"

"Woke up late obviously," He nonchalantly replies.

"Do you have a late notice?" He asks and in which, Sicheng places the note on his desk and walks to the back of the class, not even bothering to look at Renjun or Yukhei.

He looks up to see Yuta sitting there with wide eyes, Sicheng scoffs and rolls his eyes, he places his bag down and sits down on his seat.

"What the hell? You're late? You're never late," Yuta whispers to the boy as he took out his notes and pencil case.

Sicheng shrugs and opens up his pencil case, "What page are we on?"

"Twenty four," Yuta replies. He looks at Sicheng who had annoyance written all over his face and frowns, "Did something happen?"

Sicheng looks at him and sighs, "Nothing, just uhm... Slept late."

Yuta was no fool when it came to analysing people, he knew something was up and he knew Sicheng wouldn't budge but he didn't want the boy to be gloomy the whole day so he just tried to get it out of him, "You're a bad liar, you know?"

Sicheng is slightly taken aback by his sudden statement and looks at him suspiciously, "What are you trying to say, Nakamoto?"

"Exactly what I said, you're a horrible liar," The Japanese slouches back into his seat, "Care to share why you're lying?"

Sicheng clicks his tongue and looks at Renjun who was laughing with Chenle and Mark and Donghyuck who sat behind him, "Just friends that's all."

 


	11. ELEVEN.

Sicheng was in class for break again, he laid his head on his table and scrolled through his Instagram feed, mindlessly liking things. He hears the classroom door open and he doesn't bother looking, it was probably Jisung who had forgotten something again.

But no, his eyes looked up to see Renjun, towering over him, "Hey!" The boy smiles.

"Hey? How can I help you?" Sicheng sits up and places his phone in his pocket.

Renjun frowns and sits next to him, "You okay?"

Sicheng rolls his eyes and scoffs, "Yeah I mean, it's totally not like my best friend didn't inform me he was not going to pick me up this morning. Totally."

Renjun sighs, "I'm sorry... Chenle and Jisung wanted to go to school together this morning, I forgot to tell you last night."

Sicheng didn't care what his explanation was, he was still mad either way, now he had a discipline record and his dreams of keeping a clear record went down the drain, "Still doesn't change the fact that I was late does it?"

"Listen okay, I'm sorry, I just wanted to hang out with my other friends you know?" Renjun replies.

Sicheng frowns, maybe he was being too upset over the fact that Renjun had other friends other than him and sighs, "Fine, I just wished you would've told me."

"I know, I'm sorry. Also, where were you yesterday anyway? Your mom called me asking where you were and I was at home so I didn't know either."

"Oh! I was with Yuta," Sicheng smiles as he recalls yesterday, he hadn't clicked with someone quite as well as he did with Yuta.

Renjun wiggled his eyebrows and nudged the boy, "Ehh, look at you go!"

Sicheng punches his arm lightly, "Go away we were just hanging out."

"Hanging out he says... What did you do?" Renjun perks up.

"Oh well... He was sick so I just made him some soup, we then watched some shows together and sort of bonded over things, he got sick because of me and I kind of felt bad..." Sicheng shrugs.

Renjun nods his head with a smirk against his face, "What a domestic couple."

"Oh shut up I shouldn't have told you," Sicheng rolls his eyes and laid his head against the table, "You free after school or are you busy?"

"Oh actually I was about to ask you the same thing," Renjun smiles, "The football team is having a match against Yeonlim High, Mark invited us to watch, your boyfriend will be there..."

"Oh? Alright, I guess I'll go, and he isn't my boyfriend so shut up before I punch you."

"Yet."

-

The rest of the day went by quicker than usual, maybe it was because Sicheng slept the majority of the time and Yuta was out because of Soccer practice.

The sleepy boy woke up at the sound of the final bell and stretched, of course, ending off by bowing to the teacher as she left.

Renjun excitedly runs up to Sicheng, "I'm so excited! The game starts at seven alright? Yukhei and I will be picking you up, the boy's going nuts, his  _baby_ is playing as well."

Sicheng laughed, "Jungwoo is in the team?"

"Yeah! Jaehyun and Taeyong too, Johnny wanted to join but he's in the boy's volleyball team so," Renjun shrugged.

Sicheng freezes as Jaehyun's name escapes Renjun's mouth, this doesn't go unnoticed to the younger and he scratches his nape nervously and laughs, "Anyway, I'm going to head home first so I can finish up my homework, I'm following my parents to Jeju so I'm pretty busy," He sighs and looks up at the older, "Want to walk home together?"

"What about Chenle?" Sicheng packed up his things.

"Oh, he and Jisung are on council duty so they're setting up the place for the game," The younger explained, "Remember how you so badly wanted to join the student council?"

Sicheng rolled his eyes and picked up his bag, "Shut up I don't want to remember it."

They walked out the classroom door, students buzzing around them about the soccer game later and Sicheng overheard some girls talking by the window, he couldn't help but eavesdrop a little.

"The captain is so cute! He's really good as well!" The blonde haired girl squealed.

"Yes! Yuta was it? He's an absolute heartthrob, too bad he's too popular, he would never date me," A shorter girl pouted.

 _You're not wrong._ Sicheng scoffed and continued to walk side by side with Renjun as he talked about how annoying Chenle and Jisung was, he had to say, for such young kids and student councillors at that, they were pretty... passionate about loving each other. Not in that way, but they were pretty passionate, and bold for constantly being all over each other in school. But then again who was Sicheng to judge how others loved when he could hardly even sort his feelings out.

Not like he had any.

-

"So, what's going on between you and Yuta anyway?" Renjun took a scoop full of ice cream and placed it into his mouth.

"What do you mean?" Sicheng curiously asked.

Renjun shrugs, "I mean, you two seem to get along well, and since you two aren't dating which is, unfortunate, are you two friends? Best friends maybe?"

Sicheng shakes his head, "We're just friends, pretty complicated ones at that, he's a tough cookie."

"Tough he is, but Mark says he only opens up to people he is really comfortable with. The only person he has opened up to is maybe Taeyong and Johnny, no one really knows much about him at all," Renjun replies, "Maybe he's comfortable with you!"

Sicheng shrugs, "Maybe, I can't exactly tell when he just jokes around the majority of the time."

Renjun looks at him in shock, "He jokes around with you? That's cool, I always took him for a stone cold athlete..."

"No, he isn't! He's really sweet and funny, I swear I nearly died because he made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe!" Sicheng exclaims, he completely disagrees with all this talk about Yuta being a cold-hearted asshole, he was really sweet, one of the sweetest people he knew.

Sicheng shakes his head, "It's been a while since we've talked to Yukhei, how is he?"

Renjun groans and rolls his eyes, "I swear! He is completely infatuated with Jungwoo! He won't even talk to me, I have to yell at him in Chinese only then will he reply, an asshole really..." He huffs.

"I miss him..." Sicheng pouts, "We used to be best friends, now he's off with new friends..."

Renjun notices the lingering sadness around Sicheng and throws an arm over his shoulder, "Oh come on, I'm sure he misses us too, why would he even bother to fetch us in the morning? Why would he bother to check up on you every night to see if you're not having another episode? He still cares, he just wants to get closer to Jungwoo and his pals, plus they're all athletes so the connection would grow fast."

"Still... I miss him," Sicheng drops his head, "Remember when we would go out at two in the morning and drive around the city and eat cake pops from Starbucks?"

"That was last week."

"Still! You know how I am, I can't lose the two of you, I lost the two people I cared for the most before..." Sicheng says, "I don't want to make the same mistake again."

Renjun sighs and holds Sicheng's hand, "I promise that we'll never go anywhere. As long as the three of us are alive, we'll always be connected and always be by each other. Trust me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (READ PLEASE!)
> 
> Something I feel the need to address due to a comment I got was that this story in no way shape or form was inspired or plagiarised in any way! This story was in fact based on a real-life experience I went through, do not worry though some things in here such as the r*pe has not happened but, a big majority of the story has happened to me such as falling love with my deskmate, going through depression, losing friends and so much more. When I write it's mainly when I'm going through a lot, I take my dark thoughts, feelings and pain into my writing, I create art from my emotions and sufferings. I started off this story when I was falling in love with my deskmate, update, she's a homophobe so lmao. But that's beside the point! What I'm trying to get at is that this story was not copied by ANYONE, if somehow this story is similar to something you have read or something you have written I sincerely apologise, please know that it's simply a misunderstanding! I am not one to copy anyone's writing whatsoever, this was all based off something I have gone through, this story is based on my pain and so much more. I hope no one got the wrong idea! Thank you for supporting the story, if you have any questions whatsoever on this story please send me a dm on my twitter @baeksxuxi <3 thank you!


	12. TWELVE.

Sicheng hadn't been this happy in a while, most of his days were boring and the same but maybe it was the excitement of the game getting to him or maybe it was just the fact that he was going to see Yuta completely kill it on the field.

He rummages through his closet which really only compromised of browns, blacks and whites. After all, that was, as he liked to call it, his 'aesthetic'.

He groans as he looks through it, again and again, he's probably looked at everything at like ten times at this point. He wasn't even sure why he wanted to get all prepped up for a Soccer game, it's not like anyone was really going to see him or was there to make him dress with the need of impression.

He truly had no idea why he had been so bothered about looking good when he comes to school looking ruddy as hell but that was beside the point, he was looking for the brown sweater he had bought a few months prior and now it was nowhere to be found, he blamed it on his lack of ability to control himself when it came to buying clothes.

He throws out all the clothes that were in that closet and onto the floor, he digs around for it while groaning with a string of curse words in Chinese and Korean came out of his mouth. He stands up and looks around with his hands clasping his hair in frustration, his eyes land on his chair which the brown sweater he had been looking for was hanging on. He was about to cry.

He angrily snatches the sweater and wears it, he looks around his mess of a room and sighs, the time was half past six, the game started at seven thirty so Yukhei would've arrived at around seven which would give him ample time to tidy his room, and because he can't stand the sight of messy things, he does exactly that. Consciously folding his clothes and putting them back on the shelves and hanging the clothes he wore a lot such as his uniform and his numerous sweaters and a couple of jackets. He looks around in satisfaction of his hard work- Lies this was just another night for him, redoing his wardrobe again and again because apparently keeping things the way it was didn't sit well with Sicheng.

He steps out and closes the door, grabbing the oversized denim jacket that hung on his doorknob, his keys, phone and wallet just in case and left his room. He walks down the stairs with a smile pressed against his face, he was truly beyond excited for this game, he hadn't gone out in a while, at least not those bubble tea dates with Renjun.

His mother sits on the couch and hears him walk into the kitchen and turns around, "Going somewhere?"

Sicheng nods as he gulps down a cup of water, "Yeap, soccer game, Renjun invited me to go with him!"

She smiles and nods, "I'm glad you're going out again."

"Well, I would stay home but I decided to be bold," He jokes lightly.

A car honks outside and he places his cup in the sink and walks up to his mother, he places a kiss on her cheek and smiles, "I'll be back soon, love you ma!"

"Don't be back too late!" She yells as he walks out the door, she looks back to the TV and sighs, "I hope he stays safe."

Sicheng walks towards the familiar car and opens the car door, he slips in and Renjun and Yukhei were talking like little kids about the soccer game in fast Chinese, Jungwoo wasn't there because he was playing that night so he lays down in the back seat.

"We ready?" Yukhei asks.

"Hm," Sicheng hums.

Yukhei drives off, the two continue to talk about the game like the children they were as Sicheng just listens in silence.

"Guys," Sicheng spoke.

"Yeah?" The two replied in unison.

He sighs and sits up, resting his chin against the front seat, "Was it a good idea for me to come out? I mean, what if something bad happens again?"

Yukhei shakes his head and smiles, "Trust me, nothing bad will happen, as long as we're around no harm can come to you. Got it?"

"Plus, if it did, we'll be the firsts to know and no matter where you are we'll be there within seconds," Renjun grinned, "I'll stab anyone who hurts you, got it?"

Sicheng blushes and sits back in his seat, overwhelmed with the amount of love his friends were showing, "Alright, I just feel like I'm annoying you guys..."

"What?!" Yukhei exclaims, "No you're not! Gosh, Sicheng, what happened in the past stays in the past, we swore to always be here okay, screw whoever left, especially  _him._ We'll always be by your side when you need us, we're not going anywhere. You don't annoy us, we do this because we care, alright?"

Sicheng nods gently and looks out of the window, he could see some students dressed up for the game, red ribbons in their hair, red paint on their face, red everything because it was the school's colour.

Yukhei pulls into the car park and takes a while to find an empty, and when he does he drives as fast as he can to beat anyone who had wanted to take his spot. He removes the keys and they all exit the car, Renjun grabs Sicheng by the hands and runs up to Yukhei, throwing an arm over the tall boy.

"Ahh! I'm so excited! I can't wait to see why our school wins every championship," Renjun giggles.

Sicheng laughs at his best friend's enthusiasm, "You're pretty excited, aren't you? What's got you so enthusiastic?"

Renjun grins widely and shrugs, "I'm just super excited to spend it with you two, and plus it gives you the opportunity to meet more people! There are more people in this school other than just us you know?"

Sicheng rolls his eyes, "You do know Yuta and I are friends right?"

"More like lovers," Yukhei scoffed and in which Sicheng slapped his across the head.

"Do you kiss Jungwoo with that mouth?" Sicheng mockingly says.

"In fact, I do."

The three friends take a seat next to all of the soccer team's friends and some of Renjun's. They all share simple hey's and conversations but Sicheng just stared at the field where the players were warming up. He looked around to find Yuta and soon enough, he found him, doing some stretches at the sidelines. Sicheng finds himself smiling a little, hoping that Yuta would look up at him.

And it exactly happens.

Sicheng assumes he had looked up because of the wide majority of his friend's sitting there, he watches his eyes trail around and lands on the brown sweater male. His mouth turns into a wide grin, he excitedly waves around like a child on the field and Sicheng laughs, waving back. He hears their coach calling all the players and he pouts, waving goodbye to Sicheng.

Sicheng hears a soft chuckle at his side and he averts his attention to the person, who was none other than Moon Taeil, who next to him sat Johnny Seo the captain of the volleyball team and Ten, or Chittaphon but no one ever called him that.

"He seems excited to see you," Taeil comments.

Sicheng shakes his head with a smile on, "Oh please, he's a child, he gets excited over everything."

Johnny scoffs, "No he doesn't, he rarely ever gets excited, and when he does, it's never about someone..."

"What are you talking about? Whenever I show him something or things I like he gets all interested and excited," Sicheng furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

Taeil looks at Johnny and coos, "Aw, look at our little Yuta getting all excited over boys, and he's straight. At least that's what he claims to be."

"Yuta? Straight? Sounds like a whole joke," Ten laughs.

Sicheng shrugs, "I don't know, I think he's just being nice."

Taeil sighs and rests his hand on the Chinese boy's shoulder, "Sweets, there's a difference between being nice and being interested in someone, and Yuta is very obviously interested in you."

"Bullshit."

 


	13. THIRTEEN.

It was midway through the game, their school was leading by five points. two to seven to be exact. The crowd was loud, screaming cheer after cheer and got increasingly loud when a goal was about to be scored.

Sicheng hated loud noises and big crowds, but he placed that aside all for his friends and well, Yuta, only because he knew how passionate the boy was.

And passionate he was. He was a completely different person on that field, his strong kicks, his fast reflexes and intricate footwork, his face was not sunshine and rainbows but rather one of seriousness and the type that looked as though he could knock someone out if he wanted to.

It terrified Sicheng to some extent, but not really when he reminded himself of how truly fluffy Yuta was under that facade. But that smirk he had on every time he was about to kick the ball into the net sent shivers down Sicheng's spine.

It was ten minutes before the end of the game, and though their school was in the lead and there was simply no way the other school could beat them, they never showed any sign of restlessness.

Sicheng can't help but noticed Jaehyun and Doyoung on the field, they were amazing, but they were always gifted at Soccer. The Chinese boy felt his heart clench, he hadn't spoke to the two since that day. Sicheng couldn't stop thinking about what Doyoung had told him, but yet he never did anything.

He called himself a coward for not being able to face them even though they were in the same goddamn class, it hurt to much to even look at them sometimes because it brought back so much memories.

He wanted it all back.

He sighs and slouches into his seat, this doesn't go unnoticed to Taeil, the older looks at Sicheng's gloomy face and frowns, "You good?"

Sicheng shrugs, "I mean, yeah I am..."

"You're so bad at lying, Yukhei was right," Taeil laughs and leans back, "What's bothering you?"

"It's really nothing, Taeil," Sicheng smiles, "Thanks for you concern, I really appreciate it."

Taeil nods, accepting the fact that Sicheng didn't want to say anything when we was so evidently bothered by something. They continue watching the last five minutes of the game, everyone is on edge, they're passing the ball back and forth and no one seems to be scoring at all. It seems that the other team found out their way of playing.

The ball is passed to Taeyong, he tries to get as close to the opponents goal, passing it to Minseok who runs as quickly as he can but he's surrounded by the other players. He stops for a second and looks around, his eyes land on Yuta and he kicks the ball as hard as he can to ensure it would make it to Yuta, which it does. They couldn't deny that these last five minutes have been pretty tough, the opponents have managed to learn their moves which completely ruined the teams plans. Yuta tries to distance himself from the opponents and when he finds himself no longer surrounded, his eyes set on the target, he inhaled deeply and kicks.

The crowd goes silent, everyone's eyes on the ball, and the goalkeeper jumps to block the ball but he was too late for the ball had hit the net, the crowd roars in victory, the time was over and the team ran up to Yuta and screamed victoriously. They threw Yuta into the air and he sat on Chanyeol's shoulders, throwing their fists into the air.

The Japanese boy smiled widely and looked up to where Sicheng sat, he smiled as Yuta so excitedly waved at him, mouthing the words 'I did it!'. Sicheng can't help but laugh at him adoringly.

Groups of people go down to the field, embracing the members, Sicheng could hear Kim Jongdae screaming, "This is my boyfriend!" As he kissed Minseok on the lips, causing everyone to groan.

Happiness filled the air, the team shook hands with the opponents and walked back to their benches, taking their towels and bottles and walking into the locker room.

The crowd started to leave, Sicheng got up and stretched a little, his friends all getting up and leaving to the parking lot. He walks in the direction of Yukhei's car when he hears Taeil call out to him, he turns back and smiles at the shorter male.

"Hey! Johnny's having a party to celebrate the team's win, you coming?" He asks.

Sicheng clicked his tongue and shrugged, "I don't know... Is Yukhei and Renjun coming?"

"Well... Yukhei is obviously going because, Jungwoo, and Renjun might be going, Chenle and Jisung are so that just leaves us with you," He smiles, "Please come! We would love to have you there! Johnny loves you!"

Sicheng ponders over the idea of going to a party, he hadn't been to one since the incident and if he was being frank, he was still traumatised and didn't want to risk having it happen again. He felt fear creeping up on him as he recalled what happened, his mind goes black.  _He can't._

"I'm sorry, Taeil, I really can't... I have, homework," Sicheng smiles, "Terribly sorry, I really can't."

Taeil frowns but sighs in defeat, "If that's the case then alright, see you around Sicheng!" He waves and runs back to his group of friends.

Sicheng felt bad for turning Taeil down, he was such a nice person, but he couldn't help it. What if he saw him again? What if something worse were to happen? He couldn't take it, the thoughts were running through his head at a thousand miles a second, his breathing gets unsteady and he rests his hand on the car to keep him stable. He starts to feel dizzy and the sounds surrounding him start to distort, he squeezes his eyes shut. He was about to pass out. He was about to collapse when he felt someone hold him, he opens his eyes and looks up, Yuta stood there, a few inches away from his face.

"Hey, are you okay? You look pale," The male asks worryingly as he helps him stand upright.

Sicheng clears his throat and little and rubs his eyes, "Yeah... I am, thanks for helping me."

"It's nothing, you coming for the party?" Yuta changes the subject.

Sicheng shakes his head, "Nah, I can't, I'll just go home."

"Aw shucks really? I wanted to hang out with you," Yuta drops his head in disappointment.

Sicheng feels his heart tighten at the sight of the boy, he frowns a little and thinks again, he really didn't want to fall for it but he did. After all, he had to overcome this one way or another. He sighs in defeat and clicks his tongue, "Fine, I'll go... Just make sure I don't get lost or anything, I tend to lose track of things so I need someone keeping an eye out on me."

Yuta perks up and smiles excitedly, "Yes! I'll see you there!"

He watches as the Japanese run back to his friends who cheer him on as he approaches them, Sicheng shakes his head and looks at the car, it had been a while what took the two so long?

He looks around and sees Renjun and Yukhei with Jaemin and Jeno. Peculiar.

Why was Renjun talking to his ex, and his ex's soon to be boyfriend? With Yukhei? He furrows his eyebrows and watches as the couple wave goodbye to the two and went in the opposite direction. The two walked up to Sicheng and smiled.

"You going to the party?" Yukhei asks.

"Good fucking god, you're the third person to ask. Yes, I am," Sicheng rolls his eyes and hops into the back seat.

Renjun freezes and looks back at Sicheng, "Are you sure?"

Sicheng nods, "Yeah, Yuta persuaded me somehow."

Yukhei looks at Renjun anxiously, "Are you really sure you want to go back to another party? I'm worried you know?"

"I know you are, but I have you two to keep me safe, right?" Sicheng smiles.

Renjun nods, "Yes, and we will not allow anything bad to happen to you alright? Just keep your phone off silent mode so we can call you in case anything comes up."

"Alright, mom."


	14. FOURTEEN.

**_TW: slight rape_ **

Yukhei pulls up to Johnny's house, it was overflowing with teens from their school and the music was so loud they could hear it from their car.

Sicheng can feel the anxiety filling up in him, his throat closing up and tears slowly forming in his eyes. He looks up at his two friends who were about to leave but he mumbled under his breath, loud enough to have them avert their attention to him, "I-I can't do this."

Yukhei and Renjun shares exchanged glances, "We can bring you home you know? Or do you want us to stay with you at home? I wouldn't suggest you stay in the car..." Yukhei said with worry lacing his words, "Please, Sicheng, tell us what we can do to help you."

Sicheng inhales a little, his breath shaky, "I-I don't know, I'm terrified. You guys won't let anything bad happen to me right? You'll watch over me through the whole night right?" He looks up at his two friends in hope.

Renjun smiles and holds his hand, "Of course, we will never leave you alone remember? We made a promise. As long as the three of us live, no one is going to be harmed," Renjun tightens his grip, "Well then, shall we head out?"

The three walked out, Sicheng feeling a little shaky but Renjun threw his arm around his shoulder and rubbed his shoulder comfortingly. They walk up the stairs and Yukhei greets some people at the door and opens it up revealing a group of teens dancing around with red solo cups in their hands and smoke lingering in the air. It all felt the same.

Sicheng shakes his head in order to keep himself in the right mind, he feels Renjun pull him through the crowd by the wrist and up to Mark, Donghyuck, Jeno and Chenle, Jisung and Jaemin appeared to be drinking in the backyard with Hyunjin and Sehun.

Everyone was in their groups and Sicheng felt a little left out, he stands by Renjun and Yukhei as they converse with their groups of friends, Sicheng only felt envy, not envious of the fact that his friends had more friends than him, but envious of the fact that he was so incapable of making friends cause he hardly ever allowed anyone in. He sighs and looks around the crowded house, his eyes land on Yuta who had his back facing him but his soft brown hair wasn't hard to spot next to Taeyong's dark red and Johnny's monstrous height. 

As though on cue, Yuta turns around and his eyes meet Sicheng's, he grins widely and walked up to him, "You came!"

Sicheng shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans and smiled, "Yeap! I wanted to just go home but I wanted to be here for our favourite champion!" He jokingly pokes Yuta in the arm.

Yuta waves his hand in denial, "No, no, I'm not-"

"He's just being humble," An unfamiliar male swung his arm around Yuta's shoulder, he smiles at Sicheng and reached his hand out, "Liu Yangyang, Xiaojun has talked about you before, only nice things of course."

"He did?" Sicheng cocks a brow in shock, "Thought he would've forgotten me."

"Eh, he didn't. I heard you're Chinese too, I'm from Taiwan, moved to Germany and here in Sophmore year, Yuta here took care of me," Yangyang smiled and poked Yuta's cheek. Sicheng couldn't help but smile at this boy, so pure and that smile, he never saw someone smile so widely in his life.

"Yangyang!" An unfamiliar voice called from across the house, causing the three to avert their attention to the call of the younger's name.

"Ah shit, I have to go, Yuqi's calling me! See ya around!" Yangyang flashed his smile once more and disappeared into the body of drunk teenagers.

Sicheng  chuckles a little and looks over at Yuta and smiles, "So, congratulations, champion."

Yuta rolls his eyes, "Yes, thank you... Anyway, when's your next show?"

Sicheng moves his head back in shock, "Why do you want to know?"

"You came for my game, so I have to go for one of your shows," Yuta grinned cheekily, "It's how it works."

Sicheng thinks about it for a while, in fact, he did have a show coming up, a competition, "Yeah, this Sunday the Chinese dancers have a competition to attend to, it's at Hanlim, the performance is open to all so if you'd like, you can come. Our timing is at six."

"It's set then!" Yuta swings his arm over Sicheng's neck, "Sunday it is!"

-

Yukhei and Renjun kept to their words, they didn't let Sicheng out of their sight, if he was, he would be with Yuta who dragged him around the house making Sicheng watch him chug down beer for the nth time.

Sicheng forgot how fun it was to talk to others, to socialise, to live, to drink a little bit here and there, he was genuinely happy after so long.

"So, what do you guys plan on doing after high school?" Renjun asked.

Yukhei shrugged, "I mean, I plan on applying for a division one track scholarship in the US but I'm not sure yet, what about you Sicheng?"

"Well, I don't plan on going to a SKY university, I'll probably go abroad to study theatre or dance, honestly, I'd rather just let the flow take me wherever," Sicheng replied.

Renjun looks down at his cup a little and smiles to himself, "Don't you think it's kind of crazy?" He spoke, confusing the pair who stood next to him, "That we're already graduating from high school, soon we'll be in university majoring in whatever it is we decide on doing, then going out to the world? I feel like everything happened so quickly with absolutely no time left."

Why was this only hitting Sicheng now? He stands there, eyes locked on a spot on the floor as he ponders over this idea, he couldn't help but feel terrified. Talking about life after high school was easy because you don't know what it's really like if you do go out there. But when time quickens, when the bags get heavier, when the days get longer, when nights get shorter, when the burden gets heavier, it will all hit you that your childhood and teenage years are coming to a close and all you can do now is take all the time you have left with the people you love before the anxiety and fear of finals and national exams engulf you with their sharp teeth and never-ending darkness.

He could so easily say that he wanted to go to this school and that school but when the time comes, when he has to make a decision, it's a decision for his future and he would have to leave all the people he loved and has loved him. It scares Sicheng, to be all alone again.

But he shakes his head, in the hopes that his thoughts could go away. He places his cup down and looks up at his two friends who had moved on to another topic while Sicheng was going through his daily existential crisis.

"I'm going to go to the toilet for a bit," He informed them.

"Wait!" Renjun called out, "I'll go with you."

Sicheng shakes his head and smiles, "No, it's fine, I'll make it on my own, thanks, Renjun"

Yukhei frowns, "Are you sure?"

Sicheng nods and disappears into the crowd, leaving his two friends worried sick, but if he said he was going to be fine, they could trust him right?

Sicheng walks up the stairs, leaving the big crowd, he walks down a small hallway passing teens who were making up against the wall or sharing a blunt. Normal things Sicheng didn't bother paying any mind to.

His hand reaches out to a door which he hoped was the toilet door, he turns the knob and is greeted by the back of a man.

"Oh, I'm s-"

His whole world freezes, he feels his heart get stuck in his throat, his eyes widened in absolute fear. He steps back a little, he feels his breathing start to get even more erratic. The hall was now more secluded, no one was there except for him, which didn't exactly help.

The familiar man smiles, "Sicheng."

He hated his fucking voice, he could still remember the way he whispered to him that day, his face turns into a one of fear and anger.

"Don't ever fucking say my name," He hissed, hinting his words with hatred.

The man caressed the boy's face and frowned, "Oh but we had so much fun that day."

 ** _Fun,_** Sicheng wanted to run away, he wanted to get out of here now but he was too afraid. Anyone would've been. The feeling of this filthy man's touch was one he had hated for so long, in the night he would vigorously scratch the places he touched him, hoping he would hurt himself so much it would numb the pain of remembering memories that hurt him.

He gets snapped out of his thoughts when he feels himself get pulled in, the door locked behind them. He looks towards the door in fear and reaches out for it, but he was far smaller and far weaker than him.

"You're still beautiful as ever," He leaned him up against the sink, his hands all over the younger's body.

Sicheng can feel the tears forming up in his eyes, his body trying to fight him. He weakly pushed him away, "Let me go, please."

He doesn't listen and continues to leave traces of himself all over Sicheng's body, Sicheng couldn't stop the tears from falling, it kept getting worse and worse.

He felt his pants get pulled down, but he could no longer care, his body ultimately giving up on him. He never would've thought this was going to happen again, he shouldn't have come, he should've trusted his gut and went home. He should have never gone for the game. He should've known better.

But before anything could continue, he heard a knock at the door.

Sicheng's eyes shoot towards the door he screams for help but not before Yoonsik could clap a hand over his mouth. He leaned down and whispered, "Remember this photo?" Sicheng looks down at the phone and it was him, six years ago, the day it happened.

Sicheng stares at the photo he had seen one too many times, the photo than tore him apart, he looks at it and turns his head away, refusing to look at himself.

The man smirks and shoves the phone into his face, "This is who you are, Dong Sicheng. A slut, a whore, that's what you are."

Sicheng squeezes his eyes shut, refusing to look at himself, the man takes the phone away and back into his pocket, "Scream again and I'll post it again, ruining you again."

The Chinese boy inhaled sharply, he feels the tears roll down his cheek, his heart at the rate of a thousand kilometres per second, he had never felt so much fear in his life. It felt like he was about to die, about to fall apart at any moment. He cries more and more but it comes out muffled. He hears the man unbuckle his belt and pull down his briefs. He grabs Sicheng's hand and holds them behind his back, he leans down to reach Sicheng's ear.

"You'll be good right?" He whispers, sending shivers Sicheng's spine. The boy gulps a little, he cries even louder and hears the man laugh, he ruffles Sicheng's hair but he shakes his head vigorously to remove his hand.

He was now centimetres away from inserting himself, Sicheng cries get even louder as he realises what's about to happen.

Until the door swung open, his eyes widened and looks back to see Yuta standing there looking at him with nothing but fear in his eyes, he looks up at the man and throws a punch across his face. He staggers backwards and pulls up his pants, he charges towards Yuta who dodged him, causing him to run into a wall. The sudden noise sends the party silent, someone looks in their direction and eyes widened, "Fight!"

Everyone runs up and watches as Yuta throws punch after punch to the man, who has so effortlessly given up due to Yuta being stronger than him.

"You sick fuck!" Yuta yells as he throws another punch, "How the fuck can you do that?!"

Sicheng had locked himself in the bathroom his face stained with tears and new ones, his eyes puffy and nose red, he refused to exit but he hears his phone go off in his pocket. He takes it out and sees that Renjun was calling him, he swipes to answer the call and answers the call.

"R-Renjun?" He stutters.

"Sicheng! Oh my god, Sicheng! Are you alright?! What happened? Who hurt you?" Renjun yelled through the phone.

The sound of his friend's worries causes Sicheng to break down, he tries to hold it back but they come out ever so slightly. He sniffs, "Nothing's wrong, Renjun."

"Don't lie, Sicheng. Where are you? We're going home now okay? Please tell me you're okay," Renjun replies.

"Renjun, it's okay, I have to go, bye."

He ends the call and shuts down his phone, he looks at the door and he turns the lock slightly and slowly opens the door. He sees a group of students from their school looking down at Yuta who was beating the living daylights of the man, Sicheng realised what was going on and bent down to Yuta.

"Yuta! Stop!" Sicheng yelled, but Yuta didn't listen, he just kept going as though something had snapped inside of him.

Sicheng notices his no change in reaction and ends up reaching his hands out to make Yuta look at him, though he was covered in tears, he smiles at Yuta, "Yuta, stop, that's enough."

The Japanese boy blinks a little at him and shakes his head, he looks around him and down at his bruised knuckles that were slightly covered in blood. He looks down at the man he had so badly beaten up, he gets up and looks at Sicheng. He grabs his wrist and runs out of the house.

To where? No one really knew, but they just needed to be away from this, all of it.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: depictions of rape and attempted suicide

Sicheng and Yuta walked around the small park that was pretty far from the party, but Yuta didn't mind because he was uncomfortable being near somewhere that brought him so much trauma.

They walked along the river bank, keeping a safe distance from each other as Sicheng chewed on a biscuit that Yuta had bought to comfort him. They barely talked, mainly just of Yuta asking if he was okay and Sicheng nodding in response. It went on for an hour, and truth be told Yuta was still worried, he couldn't get the image out of his mind.

A bench comes into view and Yuta mentally thanked the heavens for this, they had been walking for so long and he just had a game so it made it even more tiring.

"Sicheng, let's sit down, okay?" Yuta grabbed his hand and smiled, sitting down on the wooden bench that faced the river.

The Chinese blankly looks at the water, how still it was and how peaceful it felt. He can't exactly feel much anymore, he had never kept so silent before, especially not around Yuta. He was embarrassed, he was afraid of what Yuta thought of him now.

Yuta looks at Sicheng worryingly. He was so deep in thought his face showed no indication of what he was thinking, which was odd because you always knew what Sicheng was thinking of based on his facial expressions. But now, it was just so blank, like an empty canvas with no paint, no sketch, just nothingness looking back at you, waiting for something to happen. But what was Sicheng waiting for?

Yuta tightens the grip on Sicheng's hand and frowns, "Sicheng, please talk to me, please, anything, just say anything. A word to indicate you're alright, please just tell me something."

"You wondered why I knew Jaehyun and Doyoung right?" Sicheng spoke up.

Yuta perks up at the sound of his voice, he nods and his mouth turns into a wide grin, "Yes, I did."

"Well, when I was in middle school, they forced to go to a party with them and being the typical wannabe rebel, I snuck out at night and went with them. I got shitfaced drunk, I don't exactly know how I remember everything but I did. I went to them and Doyoung placed me into the care of that guy, whatever the fuck his name is, he entrusted this dude to bring me home safely. But he didn't," Sicheng's voice gets softer as the lump in his throat grows, he inhales deeply and sighs, "He brought me to a toilet upstairs of the house, and he touched me all over, taking full advantage of me at my most vulnerable state, he ended up raping me. And left me on the floor of that bathroom, everything hurt, I still remember it like it was yesterday. I ran home after that, I ran home and threw myself into my mother's arms. I didn't go to school for two weeks after that, and when I got back, everyone made fun of me, called me a whore, a slut, loose hole, everything you can think of? They called me it."

Yuta feels his heart drop at Sicheng's words, he never heard of anyone close to him going through something so awful, something that corrupts them completely to no end.

"Jaehyun and Doyoung did nothing," Sicheng laughs bitterly and shakes his head, "They barely said anything to me, not even words of comfort, not even a sorry. Nothing, they watched me get humiliated. The only person that cared was Renjun. He stayed by me, making sure I was okay every day. And despite all his care, I still felt something in me was aching, this spread across my whole body and finally engulfing me in this darkness, I was so lost and so alone for so long. School became a burden, socialising became a chore, smiles became less frequent. Everything I was before the Dong Sicheng I am now was so different, before that I was so happy, I smiled every second, I made jokes, I was the class clown. Everyone loved me, now nobody knows me anymore. I forced myself to be invisible."

Sicheng chokes back the tears as he continued, "So one day, I stood at the roof of my middle school, my feet inches off the ledge. I was so close to jumping when a boy came up, he pulled me back down, he took care of me and counselled me a little. That was Yukhei, everyone loved him and liked him, but he was never that popular. But his heart is so big, he cares so much for others it's overwhelming. Yukhei, Renjun and I then became a trio, we made a promise that we would always protect each other. But I couldn't even protect myself. A few weeks after that, I tried killing myself again, but I just passed out instead of dying from overdosing myself. That was when I ended up going to see a professional for help, I got prescribed with pills and I take them every day. Renjun keeps tabs on me, he'll check up on my emotional well-being, Yukhei makes sure I compliment myself at least once a day," He sighs, wiping away the tears and looks back at Yuta, whose face now stained with tears as he looks at Sicheng painfully. Sicheng laughs and wipes Yuta's tears away, "Don't cry, I'm fine now. I'm so much more better than I was back then, so much more happier. So, don't cry, I'm okay. Alright?"

Yuta pouts and embraces the boy, so tightly that Sicheng was practically shrinking into the hug, the Japanese buries his face into Sicheng's neck as he sobs a little, "I can't explain how I feel, how sorry I feel. You're an angel, Sicheng, you really are. I've never met someone like you, and I never want you to feel alone, ever. I know you're fine but I want to be here for you, please, let me protect you and care for you," Yuta rips himself away from Sicheng and wipes his face, he laughs into his sleeves, "God, I've never shown anyone this side of me, it's so weird."

Sicheng smiles, his heart softening at the sight of this boy who everyone loved, everyone drooled over, made out to be this sort of manly and fearful person that no one dared to touch, now crying to him but still managing to laugh. Sicheng had never come across someone truly so peculiar before. He leans back into his seat and sighs, looking across the river that showed the small apartment buildings, breathing in the air while still smiling.

"Thank you for saving me, Yuta," Sicheng says softly.

Yuta looks back at him, he sat there, head tilted back and eyes closed, a smile pressed softly against his lips. Yuta can feel his heartbeat start rising,  ** _what was going on?_** He reaches his hand out to Sicheng's face and places his hand against his cheek, shocking the younger, he looks at Yuta, they stare at each other for a bit, they find themselves slowly falling deep and that's when Yuta slowly leans forward.

**_What's going on?_ **

Sicheng stays completely still, realising the situation and what was about to happen, he's frozen in this position, eyes wide, but he doesn't stop Yuta. Their faces now inches away from each other's, Yuta tilts his head to the side a little and presses his lips against Sicheng's.

Shocked couldn't even describe how Sicheng was feeling, he felt fireworks explode under his lips, his hairs raising at the softness of Yuta's lips. He melts into the kiss a little, closing his eyes and leaning in a bit more, deepening the kiss.

Yuta had no idea what possessed him to do that, he felt that it was the right thing to do, he continues, moving his hand to the back of Sicheng's neck, allowing this forbidden feeling to take over him, he hadn't felt this way before, the way his heart raced, the way his mind went wild, the way he loved the taste of Sicheng's lips. He wanted more, he wanted to savour all of what Sicheng had. But he pulls away at the lack of air. They tilt their heads down and pant lightly for air.

It hits Yuta that he just kissed Sicheng, a man, someone of the same gender as him. It was something so forbidden, so taboo to him. But all of that is blocked out by ecstasy and the taste of Sicheng still lingers in his mouth, he can still feel his lips. He brings his hands up and presses his index finger against his bottom lip and he processes the events of before.

He looks at Sicheng who was now a blushing mess, but who was he to judge, he was too. He couldn't help but feel a smile tug at the edge of his mouth. He rests his forehead against Sicheng's and just smiles.

Sicheng doesn't exactly know how to feel, he just allows everything to happen at once, but he couldn't help but feel a sense of happiness and comfort from the kiss which made him crave for more. He smiles along with Yuta and rests his hand on his.

"I'm sorry," Yuta whispers.

Sicheng shakes his head, "It's fine, I kind of liked it anyway."

The sudden confession sends Yuta's heart wild, he couldn't help but smile, even more, he wraps his hand around Sicheng's and smiles. Nothing much was shared after that, just Sicheng resting his head against Yuta's shoulder as their hands interlocked together.

The two never understood the warmth that was felt between them, they never understood why each other's smiles made them feel so weak, why their eyes made them feel like they were drowning, but they didn't mind it. Maybe the kiss was closure for them, maybe it was the start of something they didn't know would have started.

Sicheng's phone suddenly starts vibrating, he looks down and takes it out of his pocket, answering the call, "Hello?"

"Sicheng! Where the fuck are you? Yukhei and I have been looking for you for an hour?! Are you being held, hostage? Are you home- Oh wait no Yukhei called your mom, are you dead?!" Renjun yells through the phone which makes Sicheng pull it away slightly.

Yuta looks at him confusingly and Sicheng mouths out Renjun's name which makes the other chuckle softly, "I'm at the park."

"Oh my god, are you alone?!" He hears Yukhei yell.

"Good god, calm down. I'm with..." He blushes as his eyes trail towards the older male who had his head tilted back with his eyes closed, "Yuta."

The other end goes silent a bit, "Oh, well. Uhm, are you okay?"

"More than okay."


	16. SIXTEEN.

Yuta sent him home that night, Sicheng wondered how he knew where he lived but then again, he remembered how Yuta walked passed it that day.

He rolls around in his bed, the kiss still playing in his head, he couldn't stop blushing, he wanted to do it again, and again. He wanted to kiss him again and again till he could feel nothing but Yuta's lips on his everywhere he went.

He replays the memory, again and again, feeling completely hot at his face and going red at the thought. He squeezes his eyes shut with a smile pressed against his face, what was he even doing? It's a known fact that Yuta was straighter than straight could ever be, but that kiss didn't feel that straight did it? In fact, there was nothing heterosexual about it.

But Sicheng was too drunk on excitement and happiness to even think properly, he squeals and rolls around in his bed, which then results in his older sister knocking on his door angrily.

"Oi! Sicheng! Shut the fuck up! I'm trying to do my homework!" She yells through the door.

"Not my fucking fault you decided to do it at two in the goddamn morning, old hag!" He yells back.

She bursts through his door angrily charging towards him, "What the hell did you just call me?!"

"Kids! Quiet down for crying out loud, it's two in the morning, our neighbours will kill us!" Their mother stands at the door, "For heaven's sake Siyi, go back to doing your homework and stop trying to fight everyone in this house!"

"Maybe if this punk wasn't squealing like a teenage girl who got asked out by her crush then maybe I wouldn't be so mad," She folds her arms and rolls her eyes.

"You can't even find a boyfriend dumbass," He says, causing his sister to raise her hand at him.

Their mother sighs, "Why can't the two of you be like Xifeng? She never fights the two of you, all she does is sleep in her room."

"Xifeng does nothing," The two said in unison.

"Exactly."

-

Yuta tosses in his bed for the nth time that night, usually, he'd be tired out of his mind after a game or even practice but the kiss couldn't get out of his head. All he thought of was the taste of Sicheng's lips, the softness and the purity of the kiss, it felt so forbidden yet so good.

Yuta had been trying for the past two years to understand the weird knot in his stomach every time he saw Sicheng laugh, or smile, or breathe, or anything at that. He wanted more of the boy, he wanted to touch him, to hold him, to run his fingers through his hair, to run away with him to a world only they knew. He wanted all these, but what was it?

So many said love, but he refused to believe it for there was no way he could fall in love with a man. But the way Sicheng made him feel, the comfort of his palms in his and the warmth of the two being side by side, as though nothing bad could come between them. The way Sicheng so easily allowed him in, letting him explore every part of his mind like a book with no lock, made to be open. Yuta couldn't help but feel the need to wrap him up and protect him from everything, for the boy had gone through so much in his part, to have him be hurt again would hurt Yuta more than anything.

But why, just why did he want to do all these things to him and for him, what was going on with Yuta? Could he have been gay? Bisexual perhaps? He never knew, but all he knew is that the fluttering in his chest never could go away no matter how hard he tried.

So he reaches for his phone, unlocking it and stares at it for a while, what did he even want to do? He wanted answers but who the hell could give him them? Jaehyun? No, he was mad at him and Doyoung too. Taeyong? That boy was too innocent for his own good. Johnny? Yuta was sure that he too was confused as well despite the fact that he was dating Ten. He scrolls through his contacts and his eyes laid on a familiar name, he smiles to himself and lets it ring on for a while.

"Yuta?" The voice called out.

"Momo! How are you?" The boy smiled.

"I'm good, what are you doing calling me at like three in the morning though?" She asks lazily, as though she was moving.

"What are  ** _you_**  doing up though?" Yuta laughs.

"Mina, she's back in Texas for a bit so I stay up to text her," Momo sighs.

"What a dedicated girlfriend," Yuta mocks.

"Shut up," She says, Yuta can almost feel her rolling her eyes on the other line, "Anyway, what do you need?"

Yuta bites his lip, hesitating to let his confusion out, it's not like he was going to feel this way forever, but it's been two years. He couldn't keep it in forever, "I- Well, there's this boy-"

"Dong Sicheng? Senior in class two? Does traditional Chinese dance and has a performance tomorrow? Does Pure Chemistry and Biology? Pure Literature too?" She cuts him off midway.

Yuta kind of gapes at how well Momo knew him, and never had he once seen the two even make eye contact, ** _what the fuck was going on?_** , "How the  ** _hell_** do you know all this? I'm terrified."

"Oh, Hara is friends with his older sister, Xifeng, she just tells me about him so compare how much better he is than me," She laughs bitterly, "Fucking bitch."

"Okay uhm, great, but yeah, I guess it's about him," Yuta replies hesitantly, almost as though he didn't want to admit that the younger has been all over his mind since the kiss.

"What do you mean,  ** _you guess_** , Yuta? Just give me a direct answer for heaven's sake, I'm not going to judge you," Momo scoffs, "Why, do you like him?"

Yuta scratches his neck nervously, "I mean, I kissed him..."

The other end goes silent for a bit, Yuta is on edge at this silence, it was so quiet it was almost too quiet for his liking.

"Momo?" He calls out nervously.

Said girl coughs, "I'm sorry, you did what?"

He groans and buried his face in his palms, "Please don't make me say it again..."

"You kissed him? Oh god, did the world's straightest male kiss the world's gayest man? Is this, is this a dream? Is the simulation glitching?" Momo says dramatically, Yuta can just imagine what the fool is doing on the other end of the line.

Yuta whines, "Please oh my god, I don't know what to do! I've always had this knot in my stomach ever since I first saw him, this is the closest we've ever been! I'm so confused, am I gay?"

Momo sighs, "Well, let's start from the top alright? When was the last time you dated a girl?"

Yuta taps his chin a little when he remembers, he never dated girls, "Uhm, never..."

"What, what about that one girl, uhm, what's her goddamn name, Wheein? Was that her name?" She asks.

"Wheein? What? No, she's dating Hyejin and plus, I'm way out of her league, we were just working on a music project what the hell?" He says with the most appalled look on his face.

"Well, have you ever, uhm liked a girl? Ever? In your whole life? Even when you lived in Osaka?"

"No, I found them annoying," He rolls his eyes as he recalls his various memories of the girls in his middle school and his satan spawn of a sister.

"Yuta, have you ever grown romantic feelings for girls at all?" She asks, almost sounding baffled.

"No I have never done so! I just said they were annoying, well except for you."

"Thanks but, Yuta I can't believe this, you've never had a girlfriend?" She gasps.

"No... is this bad?" He fiddles his thumbs nervously.

Momo clicks her tongue, "Yuta, have you ever liked a guy? Not just in school, maybe on TV or something?"

"I've always kind of found the main singer from One Ok Rock kind of cute, but I always said I was straight," Yuta confesses, blushing a little as he thinks of the cute singer.

She sighs and mumbles something in Japanese, "Yuta, I am not one to say anything or decide your sexuality for you, in fact it's something you have to sort out yourself, but if you asked me, from what I hear, you don't sound one bit straight, my guy..."

Gay.

That was it then? Was that his confirmation? Weirdly, he felt relieved. But yet kind of weirded out, gay, Nakamoto Yuta, the gay Soccer captain. I mean, Jaehyun was bisexual, in fact, most of the team was attracted to men one way or another. It wouldn't be so bad if he were too. Right? But why was he feeling so weirded out by it? He had nothing against it, but something about Sicheng and being "gay" made him feel a little giddy, kind of giddy on excitement and nervousness, how would others take it? Would Sicheng even like him back?

He kind of panics a little, he didn't know what to do, is this what it's like to go through an identity crisis?

"So, I'm gay?" He says nervously.

Momo hums, "I mean, I don't know about you, but to me you are."

He bits his nails a little, "I'm really scared, I- I don't know what to do... How will my friends take it? How will the school take it? I mean, of course there's a wide majority of people that are gay in the school. But I'm scared, I have never felt so scared in my life..."

"Hey hey, calm down, okay? Just breathe... It's going to be alright, this is the one of the many stages of growing up, you question who you are, your sexual identity, your gender. This is all normal, there is nothing to be embarrassed or scared about, this is just you, Nakamoto Yuta, questioning your sexuality and so many before you have gone through it as well," She comforts him, "I suggest you write down your days onto a notebook, hang out with Sicheng more, of how you really feel as though that knot is never going away, as though you want to kiss him again or whatever you weirdos want to do. Then I think you've gotten your answer. Do you want me to come over? Maybe cuddle you to sleep while we watch movies or something? I mean I can, Mina doesn't mind..."

"Yes, that would be appreciated," Yuta smiles, "Thank you, Momo, I wouldn't have the guts to say this to anyone but you..."

"Hey don't mention it alright?" She replies, "I'll be there in ten."


	17. SEVENTEEN.

It was the day of the competition. The dancers had arrived at their school at around six, going through the dance, again and again, putting on their make up, wearing their costumes, making the last few adjustments and polishing up the dance.

The nerves were killing everyone, what was once a bubbly and humorous Renjun turned into a nervous and oddly serious Renjun. Sicheng found the sight a bit disturbing, he watches as Renjun perfect all his jumps, his splits perfect, his runs perfect, his turns perfect, everything was perfect. It almost puts Sicheng as one of the main dancers to shame.

"Okay, ten-minute break!" Their coach yells which were then followed by sighs of relief from the members.

Sicheng runs to his bag and downs his whole water bottle, Renjun laughs at the sight of his Best Friend. He couldn't blame him though, their piece this year was extremely exhausting and excruciating, Chinese dance was always that way, but this dance felt like it was going  ** _actually kill_** the students.

"Fucking hell, never in my life have we ever performed something to tiring," Sicheng gasps, ripping his water bottle from his mouth.

"Right, thank god out costumes aren't that heavy," Renjun sighs, "Oh yeah, Chenle, Jisung and the rest are coming."

Sicheng looks at his shockingly, "Does the rest include Jaemin and Jeno?"

Renjun bites his lip shamefully and nods, "Yeah..."

"Are you really sure you're over Jeno?" Sicheng places a hand on the younger's shoulder.

"Yes, I am. It's just that, Jaemin is so beautiful and so amazing, it just felt as though I wasn't good enough for him you get what I'm saying?" Renjun frowned, "Ah fuck it, I don't really care that much anyway, I'm just going to focus on the competition and the competition only. Did you invite anyone?"

Sicheng remembers the day before yesterday, at the party, he told Yuta about his performance.  ** _Shit._** If he was being honest, he was dreading Yuta being there, that kiss still hadn't gotten off his mind, he could still feel his lips. It drove him mad. He shrugs and sits down on the floor, "I invited Yuta but I highly doubt he'll actually go..."

Renjun furrows his eyebrows and sits next to Sicheng, "Eh? It sounds to me like you just don't want him there, what did he do? Do I have to fight him? I'll call Yukhei-"

Sicheng places a finger on Renjun's lips, "No, it's fine. It's just that, something happened Friday night, between him and I... and, I haven't stopped thinking about it..."

"What happened?" Renjun asked.

The older sighs and buried his face in his palms, "I fucking kissed him. More like he kissed me but either way, we kissed."

Renjun goes silent for a bit, hand resting on Sicheng's shoulder, this was too much to take in for the younger. He blinks a little before realising what has left Sicheng's mouth, he shakes the older vigorously in excitement, "Are you kidding me?! You kissed Nakamoto Yuta?! The most popular boy in school?! The one man that everyone and their boyfriends want?! How?!"

"Shut up!" Sicheng puts a Palm over his friend's mouth, smiling apologetically at the dancers around him, "Yes, we kissed, but he's straight so I bet it was just some funny joke."

Renjun rolls his eyes, "You clearly don't know your table partner well."

Sicheng tilts his head in confusion, "What do you mean?"

Renjun sighs and sits up straight, "Yuta is so obviously gay, nothing about him hints towards the fact that he's straight. Did you know that he's never dated a girl?"

Sicheng opens his mouth but before he could even speak, his coach calls them back for another round of practice. The boy clicks his tongue in annoyance and runs to his position for the start of the song.

**_He's never dated a girl before._ **

-

Their bump in was at six, it was now 5:30, everyone was doing their final touches to their and final adjustments to their outfits. Other schools were surrounded by them in the holding room, everyone on edge as they watched the different schools perform on the television screen.

Sicheng sighs at looks at his members, some doing silent prayers, some applying their lipstick and some adjusting their hair. He could very evidently see the nervousness in their eyes as they look at the other schools and the ones performing on the television screen, they were the reigning champions for years now, he wouldn't blame his teammate's excruciating pressure. And he has to say, the school's they were up against were really good.

Renjun notices his friend's anxious eyes as he looks at the rest of the members, he stands up and places a hand on his shoulder, "You should say something, Captain."

Sicheng shudders at the word 'Captain' it's been a year and he hasn't really accepted the fact that he is the dance team's captain, but he has to admit, he really does need to do something to calm these teenagers down.

He claps his hand which then garners everyone's attention, he sighs and moves closer to the group and crouches down, "Huddle up," He waves his hand, "Okay, we've spent a whole year working on this, we aren't going to allow the other performances to intimidate us. We are Gyeomggil High for crying out loud, we are champions! We practice like we're winners, we perform as though we've won, remember we are the roaring wildcats, everyone knows our name!"

He inhales a bit and looks at Renjun, then back to the senior members, "For the seniors, this is our final performance before we sit for nationals and we're off to university. Make this your best performance, perform like fucking champions. And for our sophomores, juniors and the few freshmen here, I have faith in you, I know you will carry on the legacy. Don't get all tensed up, you all look fucking gorgeous if you ask me, so stop applying so much makeup!" He laughs which then makes the rest laugh along with him, "Calm down alright? We are going to show up, and show off. We aren't called the distinction school for nothing. Let's do this!"

"Gyeomggil High! You're up next!" One of the staff says.

"Speak of the devil, alright team, let's do this!" He stands up and smiles victoriously at the team, everyone seems to have cooled down, smiling up at Sicheng. Truth be told, he was truly going to miss this team, they were so close and so so bonded. It felt as though he was about to leave his family, he can't help but feel his eyes water a little but he shakes his head, he can't cry, he needs to be strong for them and himself.

The team walks out of the door, posture straight and hands at their side. The other schools in the waiting room yell their good lucks to them and Sicheng smiles politely at them.

"Good speech," Renjun whispers to Sicheng who slaps his arm.

They arrive backstage, the other school was almost done with their performance. He feels a bit giddy, he cracks his knuckles and shakes off the tension in his body. He hears the music stop and sees the other team end their performance, he claps silently and watches at the other team run to the sides.

"Alright, up next, please put your hands together for Gyeomggil High!" The announcer said.

The dancers move onto the stage, getting into positions, waiting for the music to start.

The soft sound of the piano mixed with the Guzheng plays, they slowly move along to the beat. Sicheng turns and looks into the audience, the first thing he does is to search for Yuta while still following the dance, his eyes scan the crowd and finally, it lands on the brown-haired boy who sat with his friends, and weirdly, Jaehyun and Doyoung.

It makes Sicheng smile a little- internally, of course, he didn't want to risk his happiness being the reason their school failed. The thought of Yuta watching him doing what he loved the most, and his two old friends watching him as well. It made him feel as though he was worth something, as though he was more than just some quiet boy at the back of the class.

He turns around, back facing the audience as the other dancers did their piece, he steadies his breathing a little, the intro was pretty intensive. He hears the beat for him to turn around, he spins elegantly, a grin plastered on his face, eyes locked on the audience, putting out all his emotions into the dance.

The dance was about love, lost and forbidden love, when they were given the song and told about the dance, Sicheng felt something deep inside him connect with the song. Forbidden love. He initially didn't think much of it, he said it was his teenage hormones playing with him. But ever since that kiss, despite it being simply two days ago, he knows why it had connected so deeply with him. It felt forbidden. His lips against Yuta's, it felt so wrong, but so right at the same time. Just like eating a fruit that wasn't supposed to be touched, but he bites in, sinking his teeth deep, savouring the taste and allows his tongue to trace the bite marks. So wrong yet so right.

Every move he did, he thought of Yuta's touch, scent, taste, everything. He wanted to put all he had felt for this boy into this performance. So he does, his face shows it all, his littlest of moves sends shivers down the spines of the audience, all eyes are on him, never had they seen someone put so much emotion into a performance.

He runs off stage as the group continues the dance, he looks at the audience and their mouths wide open, some crying because of how powerful it felt and it makes Sicheng, as a performer, as a person, feel so proud.

He then prepares for his solo, he watches the rest of the group walk onto the stage, crouching down and laying down in a circle, he runs into the stage and jumps, doing a split. He stands in the middle, looking out at the audience, eyes locked on Yuta. He reaches his hand out, as though he was reaching out to him, and pulls it back, indicating the forced withdrawal. His solo was the main character, the one who loved the other so much despite how wrong the love was, he reaches out for him, trying so hard to get his lover back, but they are so far out his reach, so he's left behind, hurt and heartbroken.

The dance ends with Sicheng looking up, a hand reached up and he drops.

A roaring applause can be heard from the audience, whistles sounds and some faint sniffles. The dancers get up and walk out gracefully with smiles still on their faces.

They walk out and all sigh in relief. Sicheng breaks down in tears, he was so overwhelmed with emotions from the dance, Renjun's the first to notice and he runs to Sicheng, "Oh my god, Sicheng are you okay?"

Sicheng laughs and nods, "Yes I am, I'm just, so proud of all of us."

"Aw, Sicheng!" His teammates cooed, all collectively embracing the crying boy. He buries his head in Renjun's neck as the rest rub his back comfortingly.

He rips himself away from his best friend and laughs, wiping his face, "My make up's fucked up right?"

"Just a tiny bit," Renjun laughed, "You did so well, Sicheng."

The boy slaps his arm playfully and smiles, "You too, Injun. It makes me sad that this is our final performance, I wish it could last forever."

Renjun sighs and shrugs, "Me too, but something tells me," He looks at the younger members as they talk amongst themselves, "That I can place all my trust in them."

Sicheng smiles at the members, his heart sinking a little, he would be stepping down as president, letting the next person in line for president take over. Dance became such a big part of his life, and now he'll be leaving the only thing that made him happy.

He sighs and grabs his bag, he swings it over his shoulder and walks out of the holding room. He planned on waiting for Renjun so they could board the bus back to school together, but once he left that room he was greeted by none other than Yuta which in his arms, laid a bouquet.

Sicheng raised his eyebrows in shock, "Am I dreaming or is that Nakamoto Yuta with a bouquet?" He smirked, "Never knew you were quite the romantic..."

Yuta laughs and reaches it out, "It's for you!"

Sicheng looks blankly at it and blinks a little, "You're lying."

"That kiss that day wasn't a lie, what makes you think this is?" Yuta says, his head tilted in confusion.

The Chinese is taken aback by his statement, "I-I, uhm... Thanks..." He looks away nervously, face heating up and ears red, "A-anyway... How was our performance?"

Yuta sighs, "It was absolutely breathtaking! And that solo of yours at the end? It was so amazing, I could go on and on for days about how much I loved it!"

Sicheng shakes his head and smiles, "Good god, Yuta, you flatter me."

"But I'm not wrong! I loved it!" He exclaimed.

"Sicheng! The bus is leaving soon!" Renjun called out from down the hallway.

"Ah, shit. Sorry, Yuta. I have to go, see you on Monday!" He smiled, running off but stopped when Yuta grabbed his wrist.

"Wait! Are you free tonight?" He asked.

Sicheng furrows his eyebrows in confusion, "Yeah, why?"

"Alright, I'll be at your house at eleven! See ya!" He smiled and runs back to his friends.

"What?"


	18. EIGHTEEN.

Sicheng laid in his bed, pretty anxious as he continuously looked at the clock. It was half-past ten, he was curious as to what Yuta was planning on doing. Why was he so anxious anyway? It's not like he had any romantic feelings towards the boy... Right?

He was stressing out so much the past few days, he couldn't get Yuta off his mind and it had been eating him away slowly. He shoved the thoughts out, pretended they didn't exist, he did everything in his power to stop thinking about him but it didn't budge one bit. He found the more he acted as though it never existed the more it festered.

He sighs and checks his phone, there was nothing, no notifications whatsoever, just his lock screen of a photo strip of him, Renjun and Yukhei they had taken at a carnival last summer. He groans and turns over, laying flat on his stomach and eyes his clock. Twenty minutes.

This was far too excruciating for the Chinese boy. He felt that he was about to die out of boredom  _and_ anticipation.

He spent the next twenty minutes, that felt too much like twenty hours, tossing and turning in his bed, messing up his hair and crumpling his sweater that was far too big for his minuscule body. Finally, when the clock turned eleven. His eyes dart towards the window, as though he was waiting for pebbles or something to be thrown at his window like in teen romance movies.

Instead, he gets a call by the one and only, Nakamoto Yuta, who named himself Yuyu when Sicheng was over at his house.

"Hello?" Sicheng faked a tired voice to hide his excitement.

"Look out your window," The boy on the other end said.

Sicheng sits up and moves towards the window, he peaks through his blinds and sees Yuta standing there, all beautiful in his white shirt, denim jacket and jeans, brown hair falling slightly below his eyebrows, god he was so beautiful Sicheng felt that he could simply melt into a puddle.

"Okay and?" Sicheng chuckles softly.

"Come down then," Yuta replies bluntly.

The Chinese boy scoffs, "It's eleven at night, Yuta."

"And?"

"You're mad."

"Be down in five or I'm breaking in."

And with that, he ends the call. Leaving Sicheng with a ticking clock and a gut-wrenching feeling of walking out that door and potentially spending the night with a boy who hasn't been off his mind for days. It was driving him off the walls.

He gets up, grabbing his wallet and phone and shoving his keys in his pocket, his mother probably fast asleep by now and his sisters hardly ever left their room so him getting caught or them even caring didn't really bother Sicheng.

Making his way down the steps, stomach churning and heart tightening with every step he took. God, he was going mad. He slips on his shoes and steps out of the door, he sees Yuta standing on the sidewalk, wide grin slapped onto that pretty fucking face, eyes sparkling despite the dim lighting of the lamppost. He could kiss him, he could.

He smiles and walks up to Yuta, "This better be worth my time, Nakamoto."

Yuta sighs and slides his hand into Sicheng's, as usual, shocking the younger. Damn him for being so unpredictable. 

"Of course it will, it's with me," He flashes a smile to the latter, "How have you been?"

They walk down the street, everything quiet, as though they were the last ones alive and everything was just them. Because that's how it truly felt. Yuta's hand intertwined with Sicheng's, laughter echoing through the street, soft smiles shared with each other, nothing mattered but each other. They haven't exactly established what their relationship was, and something deep inside them didn't want to say anything about it, they just wanted everything to stay the way it was. They clicked so well, like puzzle pieces that fit so well with each other you could hardly see the lines that separated them. Who expected Gyeomggil's local heartthrob to be so evidently in love with the resident gay, Dong Sicheng?

"You're so fucking pretty wow," Yuta gapes as he stares at Sicheng who was rambling on and on about why he hated Geography.

Could a human malfunction? Because that's what Sicheng did, he stood there, ears red and eyes furiously blinking, "Come again?"

"You're so pretty," Yuta repeats himself.

Sicheng laughs nervously, his introverted antics taking over him, he looks away trying to hide the blush that was spreading across his face, "T-thank you, haha, you're really uhm, p-pretty t-too..."

"You're so adorable when you're flustered oh my god I might cry..." Yuta says in absolute awe.

_What the fuck is going on._

Was all that ran through Sicheng's mind, he had no idea what was happening and why it was even happening. All he knew was that he was flustered as hell and the rising heat in his cheeks wasn't going away anytime soon. His initial reaction would be to, ring Renjun or Yukhei, have a mini mental breakdown over the phone, run back home and scream into his fucking pillow but he couldn't do that now, could he? He was stuck in the goddamn part with freaking Nakamoto Yuta who was making him feel all sparkly and stupid shy inside.

"What are you doing, fuckboy?" Sicheng says, back still facing the Japanese boy.

"Just complimenting my boyfriend."

_BOYFRIEND._

Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boy. Friend. 

Nothing felt real at that moment, not only did Yuta interrupt him whilst he talked about his burning hatred about learning about how earthquakes happened, he interrupted him to compliment his face, then proceeded to talk about how 'adorable' he was when he was flustered, then called him his boyfriend. Of course, Sicheng was going to absolutely lose his mind.

He couldn't process it. No, correction, he won't process this newly given information. Of course, he couldn't. Not when it came out of  _his_ lips, those of so pretty and soft lips that touch still lingered on his. 

Sicheng turns around, after a good minute of trying, emphasis on trying, to process the fact that Yuta called him his boyfriend, "Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth?"

"Yes? What's wrong?" Yuta confusingly looks at him.

What was this boy on? Sicheng scoffs and shakes his head, "You're just playing with me just like you did with all those other girls, it's fine."

"I'm not," Yuta replies, a certain seriousness in his words, "Why would I be playing with you?"

"Don't you get it, Yuta?" Sicheng smiles, "You're a heartthrob who plays with people, you get their hopes ups and leave them. That's what you do, do you not realise it? And you're straight, so don't play with my heart like this," He shakes his head and walks further up, trying to get away from Yuta who was so obviously hurting his heart.

The older grabs Sicheng's wrist, how dramatic, Sicheng thinks. Yuta looks at him in the eyes, "I'm not playing with you. You're not another one of my flings, Sicheng. I like you, I really, really do. I thought these were just my hormones, but no it isn't. I can't get you off my mind, it's eating me away. That kiss the other day, I haven't stopped thinking about it, something inside me wants to kiss you again, and again. I want you, Sicheng, all of you and all that you've got."

Sicheng had never felt so overwhelmed, he just stares at Yuta blankly while his brain went up in flames. But he smiles because he knew Yuta felt the same way, "Then kiss me idiot."

Yuta smiles, placing his hand on Sicheng's cheeks and pulls him into a kiss, one that they've craved for so long, the feeling of their lips on each other again brought the two a feeling of peace and confirmation. A confirmation that they liked each other, that nothing could get between them any longer.

They pull away, smiling still, foreheads against each other, just enjoying the presence of each other.

"I think, maybe, I like you too," Sicheng says.

"Me too."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not updating in TWO WEEKS jsdhs school's starting and shit's been hectic :(h


	19. NINETEEN.

The past months have been one hell of a ride for Sicheng and Yuta. No, they haven't told anyone about their relationship, they've kept it so hidden no one even suspected a thing. But beneath all that, Yuta constantly found excuses to touch the younger boy, be it in class just by placing his hand on his thigh or poking him for fun. Anything.

 

And every time Sicheng felt his heart explode and fireworks go off in his mind, he was just really in love with Yuta and it drove him insane. Yuta often came to his house at night, cuddled in bed with Sicheng like the typical high school sweethearts they were. Except no one knew of their relationship, but the two didn't blame each other. Having it be Yuta's first relationship with someone of the same gender and one of Sicheng's first relationship with someone who had a reputation like Yuta's, there was nothing the two could say. But they were happy, nonetheless.

 

"Yuta I'm going to actually suffocate if you don't let go of me right now," Sicheng says as his boyfriend had his arms wrapped tightly around him in his bed.

 

One thing to mention, over the weekends, Sicheng stayed over at Yuta's house, normally people would say this was taking it too far too fast but Yuta craved a lot of physical contact and Sicheng loved being around him so much that missing him for a whole day could possibly kill him. Sometimes it didn't even feel like a few months.

 

"But I want to hug you," Yuta sleepily says, his head buried in the crook of his boyfriend's neck.

 

"You hug me all the goddamn time what do you mean?" Sicheng says as he struggled to wiggle himself out of Yuta's embrace.

 

Yuta gives up and loosens his embrace, pouting slightly when Sicheng turns over to look at him, "You're no fun."

 

"Maybe I would be if you'd just tell your friends you're dating a guy, no one will kill you, literally everyone in your friend group is dating each other," Sicheng rolls his eyes, "You're not ashamed of me are you?"

 

Yuta's eyes widened and shakes his head furiously, he cups Sicheng's cheeks and pecks his nose, "Good god, baby no, I love you so much I'm not ashamed of you at all... I'm just, scared of their reactions. I know that it wouldn't be a big deal with Mark and Donghyuck, Jungwoo and Yukhei, Taeyong and Jaehyun and... Ten and Johnny but still, I just don't know how to tell them?"

 

Sicheng looks at his boyfriend with the most unbelieving face, "You literally just say, hey I have a boyfriend. And if you're lucky they'll say cool and not continue on, but this is your friends we're talking about so, as we all know, they'll pester you about who it is and you'll say it's me. What is so difficult?"

 

The Japanese shrugs and sighs, "I don't know, I'll tell them soon don't worry. Plus, Momo knows, she was the one that helped me out."

 

"That's really gay," Sicheng snorts.

 

"What is?"

 

"Asking a girl how to ask out a guy, that's how I did it, I asked my sisters and turns out girls give out better advice than any men unless they're gay," Sicheng laughs, "God, I still remember when I asked out my first boyfriend."

 

"First?" Yuta raised his eyebrows.

 

"Yeah, Wong Kunhang, Hendery. He's in class three if I'm not wrong, but I asked him out in middle school, he was really really cute, and he still is, he was so charming and so perfect... He's still so dreamy," Sicheng smiles, picturing the raven-haired boy in his mind. Truth be told, he still gave him butterflies.

 

"I'm right here," The older pouted, making Sicheng laugh and kiss his forehead.

 

"But I love you more... You're so jealous for someone who hasn't even told anyone about the relationship, which by the way is bad, girls are still hitting on you," Sicheng frowned, "I hate it when others do that."

 

"Starting to think you're the jealous one here," Yuta smirks.

 

"Of course I am! What if a guy hits on me and you saw it?"

 

"I would beat him up," Yuta smiles, being far too calm about the words that just came out of his mouth, actually scaring Sicheng.

 

"Anyway, do you want to eat?" Sicheng sat up, hanging his legs off of Yuta's abnormally tall bed, It was tall to the point that if someone fell off it, they could probably get a concussion, so he had to place it against the wall, therefore lessening the risk of him or Sicheng getting injured because of freaking sleeping.

 

"There's some stuff in the fridge that you bought because apparently I don't have enough in my fridge and it's unhealthy to eat instant noodles," Yuta mocks him.

 

"And I'm not wrong, it is unhealthy and you should eat properly, how did you even survive without me?" Sicheng hops off the bed and grabs his pants from the floor, pulling it up.

 

"Like any normal being would?"

 

Sicheng rolls his eyes and walks out of Yuta's room, clad in a shirt that was far too big for him because somehow, Yuta was bigger than him and he liked how his boyfriend's shirts smelled so this was just an excuse to smell like him. He walks to the kitchen and opens the fridge, staring inside, there wasn't much but enough for Yuta to feed himself when he wasn't over. He pulls out some flour, eggs and milk. Sicheng craved for some pancakes and he was about to satisfy his craving and needs to be somewhat domestic by cooking some.

 

The scent lingers throughout the whole of Yuta's tiny apartment, the boy can very clearly hear the sizzles in the kitchen, intrigued, he gets up, dragging himself towards his boyfriend who's attention was all focused on the food. He rests his chin on Sicheng's shoulder and just watches him cook.

 

"Do you need something, Yuta?" Sicheng speaks.

 

Yuta sighs and walks towards the counter, jumping up and shakes his legs a little, "Well you know, I'm curious but curiosity also killed the cat-"

 

"Just get to the point, Yuta."

 

"-getting to the point... Do you, I don't know, want to uhm, go on an uh, date later?" Yuta said, words getting evidently softer as he reached the end of his sentence.

 

Sicheng turns off the stove and looks at Yuta, head tilted down as he fiddles with his thumbs, a slight tint spread across his face and tip of his ears, he sometimes forgot that this was the same Nakamoto Yuta that walked around with a stone cold face that intimidated everyone, that everyone wanted to date, the one everyone deemed as their school's local 'bad boy'. But comparing what others say to this Yuta that sat before him, all tiny in an oversized shit with sweatpants on, hair messy and eyes slightly tired as his legs dangle off the counter. No one would believe that this was actually Yuta.

 

Sicheng squints his eyes suspiciously at his boyfriend, "I thought you wanted it to be a secret relationship?"

 

"Oh come on, I can't even spend the day with my boyfriend? What's wrong with that?" Yuta pouted.

 

"What if someone sees us, Yuta? Didn't you say you weren't ready?" Sicheng sighs.

 

Yuta rolls his eyes, "Who cares, come on! It'll be fun, baby! I'll make sure if you're feeling uncomfortable we'll come back alright?"

 

Sicheng shakes his head and turns back to the stove, "Fine."

 

Yuta beams and excitedly hugs his boyfriend, "I love you!"

 

"I love you too, stupid."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the lack of updates >:( school has been making me lose my social life skjsksjd


	20. TWENTY.

**_TW: HOMOPHOBIA_ **

 

 

"Chengie! Look! A kitty!" Yuta runs up to a small tabby cat that was being put up for adoption by the street.

He crouches down and smiles at the cat with the widest grin anyone had ever seen, waving his hands to the cat, getting excited every time it made the slightest move.

Sicheng chuckles quietly and walks up to his boyfriend who was now playing with the orange fur cat, "I never knew you liked cats."

"I love them! I want to be a cat in my next life!" Yuta excitedly says, "They're so smart and such amazing animals. The whole cat family is amazing, I love cats so much."

"She needs a home you know, no one wants her because of her ear and eyes," The owner walked up to the couple, "Her previous owner cut off nearly half of her right ear, and her eyes are two different colours. Most would expect her to get adopted first but no, she's such a sweetheart, you should adopt her, plus it seems like she really likes you!"

"She does?" Yuta looks up at the owner with wide eyes, he looks towards his boyfriend, "Baby, I need to get this cat."

"Oh, you're dating?" The owner surprisingly said, "Two men? That's a bit odd..."

Sicheng couldn't help but feel a bit taken aback by the owner's statement, "What's so odd?"

She laughs, "Come on, it's two men, you never see that. Two people of the same gender can't date each other, how does that even work? You can't even reproduce."

Sicheng was now boiling on the inside. Yes, he did experience homophobia for being gay but he never experienced homophobia with his lover. He looks down at Yuta who was now just crouching there, head hung low in hurt. Sicheng was so close to beating this woman up.

The Chinese smiles a bit too widely and clears his throat, "Well, I hope this cat gets a new home, come on baby, let's go clearly we're not wanted here," He grabs Yuta's arm and stomps away, leaving the bewildered store owner.

"What a fucking bitch, how dare she fucking say that. It's 2019 for crying out loud, everyone is gay, what's so wrong. I hate this country sometimes, having assholes like that roaming the goddamn streets," Sicheng mutters angrily, arm still grabbing Yuta's.

He continues on till he hears Yuta sniff ever so slightly, he stops in his tracks and looks at Yuta who was crying a little, nose red and eyes puffy as his head hung slightly low. Sicheng softens and cups Yuta's face, brushing his hair to the side, "Hey, are you okay?"

Yuta doesn't respond, he just continues holding back his tears. It was physically hurting Sicheng, he pulls the older into an embrace who then bawls into the crook of his neck. Sicheng could feel his heartbreak as Yuta cries into his neck, he feels his sweater absorb the tears, he just rubs his boyfriend's back as he continues crying.

"Why is it so hard to love someone?" Yuta says between sobs.

Sicheng sighs and runs his fingers through his lover's hair, "Oh baby, trust me, I know."

Yuta pulls away and wipes his face, "Do you go through this a lot?"

As much as Sicheng wouldn't like to admit it, he did experience a lot of homophobia in his life especially from his relatives, that's why his mom and sisters hardly ever went back to China, they didn't want Sicheng to get hated on by their family again and again. He nods and sighs, "So much. But it gets better, just like everything, you'll heal and you'll learn to say fuck it and just love openly. Loving hurts, it always does. But it gets easier, trust me."

"Why would anyone do that? To you or to anyone," Yuta frowns.

Sicheng laughs and intertwines his fingers with Yuta's, "Because the universe is a shit place."

-

And shit is was, Yuta and Sicheng couldn't help but find themselves getting through the entire day without having someone give them weird stares or dirty looks. Sicheng was fine with this but it was Yuta he was afraid of. He knew behind all that talk of a cold-hearted flirt and what not, he was a really fragile boy who could have his heart broken within seconds. And Sicheng for one did not want to be the one to break his heart.

At this point, all the fun of the two being out on their first date had been sucked out and they settled down in the same park they kissed in, seated on the same bench. They would be lying if they said it hadn't felt a little awkward.

Yuta had his head tilted down as he had been ever since the cat incident, Sicheng was worried out of his mind about him. He cups his cheeks and looks into his eyes that seems as though all the life had been sucked out of it. It crushed Sicheng.

"What's going on, love?" Sicheng pouted.

Yuta shakes his head and moves his hands away, "It's nothing," He says dismissively.

It was breaking Sicheng's heart. Watching him be dismissive for the first time ever, he didn't know what to do. Yuta just sits there, head down as he fiddles with his thumbs, it was worrying to the latter who wanted him to be happy. He just wanted him to be happy.

So he sighs and turns his whole body, facing Yuta, his left leg folded up onto the chair and holds Yuta's hand, "Seriously, what's going on. It's not nothing, you can always tell me, remember what I told you when we started dating? No secrets, if you have something on your mind you can tell me," He smiles comfortingly, "So tell me what's wrong because you're hurting my heart baby."

Yuta sighs and leans forward, placing a light kiss on Sicheng's lips, which doesn't take his frown away, "I just, I saw two girls from our school in that ice cream cafe, they gave us weird looks and I'm pretty sure I saw them whispering to each other."

Sicheng shakes his head, "Baby, don't worry alright? They won't suspect a thing, we weren't even holding hands, so I can assure you nothing will happen."

"But Chengie, what if they tell someone about it and someone ends up discovering our relationship? I'm scared," Yuta says in a silent voice.

Sicheng knew that Yuta was scared, and he understood what it was like but he can't help but feel as though there was something off about his uneasiness. Sicheng looked at him worryingly, "You're not ashamed of me, right? You're not ashamed of us, or that you're dating a man right?"

Yuta furiously shakes his head, "Good god baby no, please don't think that way I love you so much I'm just afraid of what will happen."

Sicheng clicks his tongue, "And what will happen, Yuta? Are we just going to continue doing this? It's been three months, we take our nationals in a month and the half, I'm working my ass off trying to get a scholarship and still maintain this relationship. I get you're scared because I was too, but at some point you'll have to tell someone baby, and I hope when you do you're confident and not scared of loving me."

Yuta cups his cheeks and stares into his eyes, "Trust me, I will never ever be ashamed of you, just trust me when I say I'm thinking hard about how to tell others alright. I love you the most, more than anyone, nothing about you makes me ashamed."

Sicheng smiles and kisses him on his lips.

_I hope you aren't._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LISTEN, i'm so so so so terribly sorry for not updating in months! i miss this story so much, but school was burning me out and i couldn't keep up with the story. again, i am so terribly to all my readers who enjoyed this story!


	21. TWENTY-ONE.

"Who the fuck are you even texting, Sicheng?" Renjun says, throwing his cracker at his best friend.

"Yeah he's right, you've been on your phone so much," Yukhei, who decided to go back to hanging with them with Jungwoo because he wanted to know more about Yukhei's friends apparently.

Sicheng shakes his head, smiling and looking at Yuta who winked at him across the cafeteria, "Nothing."

Renjun frowns and looks back at the area Sicheng looked at and only saw Yuta slapping Johnny across the head and Taeyong stopping them, "Bro, you've been like this for weeks, no months. What is going on?"

Sicheng shakes his head, "It's no one, it's an Internet Friend, my mom, my Sister-"

"That's what you always do when you have a secret, or you're nervous," Yukhei says, "Just tell us what's going on, Sicheng."

Sicheng rolls his eyes and places his phone down, taking a spoonful of rice and eating, "I have no idea what you're talking about, Yukhei. I'm just texting someone, it's no biggie."

"Yuta texts a lot these few weeks too, Taeyong can't shut up about it," Jungwoo speaks up, "It seems too weird to be a coincidence, Sicheng. Is there anything you need to tell us?" He grinned cheekily.

Sicheng looks at him with wide eyes, he mutters curse words under his breath in Chinese which makes Jungwoo laugh, "Did you just say what the fuck is he psychic to me in Chinese?"

"You know Chinese?" Sicheng chokes, the fact that Jungwoo got the sentence perfectly correct even when his whispers can barely be heard by an ant. Who the fuck exactly is Kim Jungwoo and why did he know his dumbass of a friend Wong Yukhei?

"Yeah Yukhei teaches me, pretty handy especially with all of you," Jungwoo smiles, "So, am I wrong to say Yuta and you are dating?"

Sicheng rolls his eyes and chucks his spoon into his rice, "Listen if anyone of you tell anyone I will break your kneecaps do you get that?" He points threateningly at the three boys before him who nod in fear, Sicheng was a scary dude what could you expect?

"Good, now, huddle around, we don't know who's listening," He motions his friends to come closer, "Okay, yes, we have been dating for a few months-"

"A few months?!" Yukhei screams, his loud voice booms through the cafeteria, sending everyone silent and their attention to the tall boy.

Jungwoo slaps him and pulls him back down, "Shut the fuck up you fool oh my god you're so loud."

Yukhei nods his head apologetically and smiles nervously, "Sorry, sorry, I got excited okay! This is news to me! Look at you, Sicheng! I'm happy for you!"

"Yeah me too! Why didn't you tell us though, I mean me of course, I can see why you can't trust Yukhei," Renjun snorts, earning a slap in the back from Yukhei which then results in the smaller boy winching in pain.

"He was scared, I know what that's like so I allowed it, we haven't done much because having a private relationship is so restricting," Sicheng sighs and digs back into his food.

Yukhei and Jungwoo look at each other confusingly, "Just go public about it, Jungwoo and I did, no one jumped us, in fact everyone supported it!"

Renjun looks at Yukhei in disbelief, "Jungwoo is by far the gayest person in this school next to Sicheng, and you sir are so confident people are afraid of you for your confidence. You can't just ask Sicheng to do that, knowing his past and his condition and Yuta the most popular boy in this goddamn school who probably has a reputation to uphold, to just go and be public about their relationship, of course others aren't going to take it lightly knowing all the girls that like Yuta."

The three just stare at Renjun's word vomit in awe, mouths hanging open, but Sicheng agreed. All his points were right. Anxiety was never good to Sicheng, it wasn't good to anyone, while he was impatient about Yuta's uncertainty he too was afraid of the feedback the rest of the student body would give to their relationship, and he knew how comments hurt Yuta. He just wanted everything to be simple, he never wanted to end up with such a popular person, Yuta for sure didn't see himself falling in love with a man but yet here they are, in those exact situations. And it didn't feel great.

Keeping everything a secret, that's fine, keeping a whole relationship a secret? That was hard for anyone to do. When it came to love, the wide majority would obviously want to show their significant other off and no doubt Yuta and Sicheng wanted to. But the fear and anxiety of it all, it hurts them.

Yuta would walk down the halls with his friends, who were all either gay or bisexual, he would hear some students say some form of homophobic remark. And it usually didn't affect Yuta, but once he got together with Sicheng he feels his whole world come crumbling to pieces even at the slightest comment.

He wished people were not so shit, or maybe that he could have that burning confidence Ten seemed to have when it came to homophobia or how angry he got when someone said something about Johnny, or that dismissive personality Jaehyun had when someone said something about his relationship with Taeyong, or the way Donghyuck found it humorous to be insulted for loving Mark. He wished he had all these factors, so that he could love Sicheng without boundaries. And he could have that, but the fear. He couldn't bear it.

And Sicheng of course wished for the same thing, because he remembered how painful coming out was, how everyone teased him and how someone literally flashed their dick at him and screamed at him, "You want to suck this?!". It affected him every day of his life and he never forgets anything. But he grew, from a scared boy figuring out his sexuality to a person who didn't care what others had to say about his sexual orientation. He was comfortable the way he was and that's fine.

_But was he?_

He still had fears, not for himself, but for Yuta, and all the kids who are in the closet, too afraid of what people are going to think. He feared for his lover, who's reputation was what he was built around, who's life was drastically different from Sicheng's simple yet secretive one. He barely knew Yuta's family, never once has he mentioned them. So, that just allowed Sicheng's fear to grow.

Sicheng shakes his head and shrugs, "I don't know, I'm just fine with how things are right now. Thanks for your concern guys, I'm going to head for Literature now," He picks up his tray and walks away. Looking back at Yuta who was laughing with his friends,  _"Just as long as he's happy, Sicheng,"_ He muttered to himself, and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> double update because i feel BAD


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